I am Woman, hear me purr.

In moments of weakness I remember that strength is within me. I take to heart that there is not one challenge in life that I will be confronted with that I cannot both defeat and learn from. When I feel a cloud of sadness above my head I will not drown in the fact that I am hurting, I will instead embrace the fact that I was blessed with the ability to feel such strong emotions and I will know in my heart that a smile will once again grace my lips. As a woman I will be aware of my abilities to brighten the lives of others, be it through friendship, love or motherhood and I will do my best every single day to do so. In times when things feel as if they are too much to take and everything in life is going wrong I will hold my head high and keep in mind that the only person who controls me is in fact me and I will push on and eventually will once again come out on top. I will embrace the moments that love makes me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world and I will hold them in my heart for times when I need a little encouragement. In moments when a man may make me feel like I am not worthy I will look back to a time when I was all he ever wanted and I will smile because I know I will have that again and that he is little but a stepping stone. It is all too true that if someone can not appreciate you at your worst they do not in fact deserve you at your best. I will do my best to do right by others, even when done wrong to. I will remember that the world is not perfect just as I am not and that each set back will eventually be accompanied by a moment of happiness and accomplishment. I will accept that regrets are part of life and a vital tool for learning and although I cannot change the past I can keep myself from making the same mistakes in the future. Every day  I will remind myself of this:

I am strong. I am in control. I am happy. I am smart. I am beautiful. I will do all the things in life I want, no one is holding me back. I am a woman.

If These Walls Could Talk.

I place little stock in walls which will one day talk,

My faith lies not in the hope of the future but in the patterns of the past.

Stories that are told of a distant time may put a smile on my face and bring a tear to my eye,

But stories of tomorrow as happy as they may be are little but promises, that we hope to one day see.

To touch it, to feel it, to taste it; that’s real. To wish it and dream it is little but ideals.

I plan not to live in the past but to embrace today, and hope for tomorrow, although happen not, it may.

Love For Sale.

You can say things a million times, “I’m a winner, I’m a winner, I’m a winner” but words are not the same as feeling the actual emotion. “I’m leaving, I’m leaving, I’m leaving.” It’s so easy to say. Just rolls right off the tongue. It was even easy to do at first…to take a step out of the door. I stayed a close distance and enjoyed the breeze and hearing the birds sing. A taste of freedom and a breath of fresh air. As long as that door was cracked, I was okay. I pondered returning inside a few times, after all there is no place like home but each time I was reminded that beyond the manicured dusted blinds and beautifully carved door that there was much more than the Better Homes and Gardens image let on. The paint had begun to chip off the walls, the furniture was in need of shampooing, the carpets had seen better days and the old pictures that had once been so amiable were now dusty and lacked all but nostalgia. From the outside, it’s worth a million bucks but beyond the doorstep it was barely worth renovating. Time had taken its toll on the structure, the lack of caring and neglect for maintaining quality was almost painful to look at. In its prime it was beautiful, it was worth envying but now it was worth little more than a sympathetic nod. To think that things can be so beautiful and then end up being so broken is incredibly painful. In the end when people walk past it they note its fading glamour then shake their heads and walk away. People don’t realize it was once so glorious; no one thinks back to the past.Sometimes I can’t help but live there. In my head at times it’s still the wondrous mansion it once was, ready for guests, begging to be admired but then as the fog clears I can see the over grown grass and cracks trailing up the bricks from the foundation. Letting go is never easy. There’s the urge to do it all over, to paint the dining room red, to pull up the carpet and lay down fresh hardwood floors. That won’t fix the foundation though. It may hide the cracks but in the end the floors still creak and the walls are still shifting. An outsider may say, “Why sell it? It has so much potential.” But I suppose that’s easier said than done, they are not putting out the cash to have the house leveled, to have the floors redone. There is a point where it’s just not worth working on because in the end no one wins, you just get further in debt. Then what would I have to show? A pretty exterior? If the house is still unlevel and the foundation is still cracked then all I’m living in is a lie. Something that is pretty for people to look at from the outside but they’re not having to live in it. They are not having to hear the constant creaking or having to slam doors because the frame is now off. It’s not fair to expect someone to live somewhere when they’re unhappy, where no matter how much work they do there is just one problem followed by another. You can replace a door knob and then turn around and the basement is flooded. Along the road there are a many for sale signs, the occasional foreclosure and then there are houses being renovated and flooding with happiness, with graciousness for being offered a second chance. I’ve made my improvements over the years; I have brought up the property value. I have poured blood and sweat into making things picture perfect. But now all I have is defeat. I’m leaving, I’m leaving, I’m leaving. As I glance behind me I see the blackness that falls between the door and the door frame get smaller as the door is being closed completely, I jump a little as I hear it finally slam shut. I can feel my heart ache as I try to take one last mental picture of the home I am leaving behind. I walk out in the yard, hammer and sign in hand and with every ounce of energy I have left I help the picketed sign break the dry ground. For sale is stamped in bold letters. Perhaps what had once made me so happy would eventually make someone else the same way. There was just nothing left there for me. So down the sidewalk I stroll, enjoying the air, enjoying the calm. Coming to terms with the ache, knowing that I would once again find a beautiful house that would welcome me and this homelessness wouldn’t last forever.

Just to Clear the Air.

It really annoys me when I’m online and the ads I’m being suggested are all about wrinkle removal. “This $5 secret for youthful skin has dermatologists angry at this Houston Mom”. Seriously I see that one all the time, generally accompanied by ads saying “Mom makes $7000 a month staying home” and “Car insurance for just $5.08 a month!” So clearly my internet has somehow concluded that: A) I’m 50 with terrible skin, B) Don’t make enough money working at a real job and lastly, C) I am too broke and old/young to afford legit car insurance. Way to Phish, internet. I am however totally glad they started throwing in the “Work at home scheme investigated, you’ll be shocked at what we found.” Yes I am sure the computer virus that I would get from clicking on that link would be just SHOCKING. Sometimes the internet irritates me.

I haven’t blogged in a while….I don’t really want to talk about the things that are really on my mind. At least not yet, there will be a time and a place for that but it is not here and it is not now. It’s kind of hard to keep everything in though, so many different emotions floating around these days. Alas, I will bottle it up and a few months from now I have a feeling I will get quite a few hits as I put my dirty laundry on the table. I’ll probably lose a few friends over it but I suppose if that’s the case then they weren’t really friends in the first place. I think what’s bothering me about it all is all the hush hush beating around the bush stuff, if you have a question then just ask me; don’t ask everyone else. If you want something to talk about I would be more than happy to assist you there, I would just rather facts be floating around versus assumptions and if I choose to inform you that it’s none of your damn business then I would assume you would be bright enough to leave it at that. Curiosity is of course in human nature, I respect that. Today’s social networking capabilities make it all too easy to peer into someone’s personal life. I know how nerve racking it can be to be “out of the loop” but it’s called a PRIVATE life for a reason. I am not even saying there is a story to be told, I just know some people…quite a few… are asking and I’m put off by the lack of questioning me and instead questioning everyone else. Hear-say is tacky.

On another equally depressing note, it’s almost to the anniversary of my mom’s death, again. That is weighing down on me like a ton of rocks. Every time I start to think about it I just want to breakdown. I guess that’s just part of it.

Well, on that note. I’m out.

Memory Lane is simply a Street Name in Hell.

I thought I'd be the one to save you,
I never thought I'd hurt you so.
You were the half that made me,
I didn't plan to let you go.
It hurt to see the pain in your eyes,
To see a warm heart become so cold.
It hurt to know I did that,
Its a regret I'm sure to hold.
To think back on every memory,
Every tremble and every kiss.
It aches to know you believed in me,
And I just left you with this.
I hope one day the walls come down,
Its always been so beautiful inside.
I hope you find that warmth again,
I'd give anything to see you smile.

Last Stop on the Pity Train Today: IDGAF Central.

Oh I’m annoyed. So, so very annoyed. I mean it’s my fault, in all reality I should just delete my facebook and pretend that people aren’t as ignorant as they really are seeing as in real life I wouldn’t be close enough ever to any of these irritating girls to be aware of their lack of common sense and surplus of baby making ability. And don’t get me wrong I sincerely wish I was writing today about something positive, something to put a smile on your face but that went out the window along with my patience for ignorant people this morning. So if you were hoping for a pick me up, this is not the place. However if you were looking for some good ol’ bashing…I can give that to you. I am hitting all kinds of topics this morning: idiots reproducing, bad friends and little girls trying to grow up far too fast and landing somewhere between trashy and wtf.

Now this is something that has been nagging at me forever, I am going to talk about certain situations and I want no one to take offense. I am just telling you my view on it, it doesn’t mean it’s the right view or even one that’s worth reading but it’s my blog so we’ve already discussed that little “X” at the top right hand portion of your screen. Don’t go whine to someone later saying how mean I am, wah wah wah. I respect everyone as individuals and this is honestly not directed at any of my friends so if you think it’s about you I assure you it’s not because I am aware the people I am writing about either don’t read this or don’t know me. Now that all the technical stuff is out of the way let’s get to the good stuff.

Having kids is a choice. Every time you have sex, you are running the risk of pregnancy. Now some people are on/using birth control, which I am aware is only 99% effective although almost 100% of accidents happen when it’s not being used properly. So I feel for those people, it was a legitimately unplanned and just unfortunate. But there are those couples…oh those couples…that used no form of protection and somehow thought that was effective. “We weren’t planning it, it was an accident” well sticking a penis inside a vagina, is a pretty damn good way to make a Baby, I mean even public schools teach you that. So don’t call it an accident, because you would have had to have been actively trying to keep it from happening for it to have been an accident. And I realize that little surprises happen all the time… I may be a victim of that one day, but I won’t pretend it wasn’t my fault because one night..or day.. depending on how feisty I was I would have clearly had to have slipped up to get those two little taunting lines. And I will be happy about it, because there is nothing in the world more joyous than a baby and honestly if I could stay home all day and be married to a millionaire (I have to have nice stuff) then I would have 10 kids, because I seriously love being a Mom and I love being able to mold little people into hopefully productive members of society. This whole paragraph was really building up to one thing. Bitches who get pregnant on purpose, generally to keep a guy. The next time I have to hear a God Blessed pity party about how he left you and you’re stuck raising a kid alone, I swear I’m going to kick a puppy or club a baby seal. Remember how excited you were? Oh it’s going to be great, we’re going to be a family, he’s not going to leave me. Surprise, surprise when it doesn’t work out. You know whose fault that is? Yours. You lied about birth control or chose not to use it, even if he was aware and involved that doesn’t bind him to you with a contract. Yeah it sucks but it’s YOUR fault. I am not going to feel bad for you because you made bad decisions. There are people in the world with real problems, people who didn’t ask for the troubles they have. I recommend a big ol’ glass of suck it the fuck up for you. So for the girls who choose to have kids and then whine about not having a social life, that was your choice also, you made poor life decisions and no one put a gun to your head. I know everyone needs a break every now and then, trust me I’ve been there but if I don’t get it, it’s not because life is unfair, it’s because I chose to be a Mom. And just to appease those of you who love this topic, Mom’s who go out and party every night. You’re trashy. Yes, I went there. Grow up, especially if you’re out there buying beer while I, a TAX PAYER is paying for your WIC and FOODSTAMPS. Seriously? I am so glad that the fact that I want to actually support my kids is in turn helping me support yours. Before you say anything, I know, I know, I’m great and you’re welcome. Hell, I may do more for you than your baby daddy does. I know how hard it is to support your partying habit and still put food on the table. And keep on being white trash, drink every night, bring home your minimum wage and government checks, I need people like you in the world so I can give my kids examples of how not to be. So no, thank YOU.

Bad friends, Oh…. I’ve been contemplating you for a while. You see I only have one girlfriend that I can actually say I share everything with and feel comfortable doing so, and I love her, she’s the best. She never lets me down and gives in just as much if not more for our friendship and I appreciate her for it. Thank you, Lora. Seriously. Not saying that she’s my only friend, because I have a huge group of girls (and guys) that I love and have great relationships with and you all rock and I don’t want you to think I don’t appreciate you and your time…especially Kevin…because poor Kevin has to listen to me bitch almost weekly and that has got to suck. Now I have recently…well in the last year made a pretty big decision: I am DONE being the only person in a friendship. You don’t have time to hang out? Well that isn’t my problem, I am not going to even ask because I don’t need friends like that. I am at a place in my life where I need mature, grown up friends. I am not going to make an effort if you don’t. When I go to do something, I am not going to waste my time calling “friends” who never call me. I have real friends who actually attempt at a relationship, so yeah, if I’m not jumping every time you want to hang out, it’s because I am done being the one on the string.

Oh, little girls. I was a little girl once…actually wasn’t so long ago… anyway, this consistent underage drinking…well in some cases of age but right now I’m focusing on teeny boppers, is getting out of hand. I’m not going to pretend I was a perfect kid and never drank, I actually got so blitzed on my 17th birthday that I took my top off and spent the rest of the night in underwear crying and puking simultaneously while some kid I barely knew held my hair. Yeah…not my proudest moment but I’m just showing you that I can relate. I like drinking, don’t get me wrong, I can’t go more than a week without a glass of wine. That however is something I developed after I turned 21 because beforehand I just felt terrible breaking the law, I know its silly right. And if you are old enough to legally get as wasted as physically possible, have at it. But what I am seeing is a trend of these kids that are either still in or barely out of high school drinking like every night. I mean I get that its fun, but do you realize how trashy it makes you look? Is that how you want people to see you? I mean I’m sure you don’t care, a rebel without a cause and all but that is not how to be a respectable young lady. Sure Saturday nights are great for letting loose, but even then…a month of Saturday nights is looking a bit rough. I bet you feel on top of the world. So grown up because you can consume alcohol. For the record, beer makes you fat, staying up all night gives you dark circles and all that lovely liquor is killing your liver, so have at it. When you are finally old enough to drink you’ll already be so washed up that all those night won’t have looked as glamorous now. I see it ALL the time. And I’m not saying this to be mean, and it’s not the case for everyone and isn’t specifically directed at anyone. I just hate seeing girls with potential wash themselves down the drain. You may say you don’t care how people see you, but trust me you do and you will. Carry yourself in a fashion that you would respect. If you think an 18 year old girl getting drunk every night is something to look up to then congratulations, you’re setting a great example. However any class you may think you have is strictly in your head.

So in conclusion, sure I’m a bitch. I don’t filter when I should, I am high maintenance, I put people down when no one else will, I am not perfect, I am also not one to take anyone else’s shit. You can take it or leave it, just like this blog. You don’t like me? I’m sorry, it’s unfortunate but I am how I am. I am not a puppet and I am not out to make the world happy. I live by a simple motto, which is mine…..like I made it up although I’m sure eventually someone will use it after reading me write it will then claim it or whatever (but that’s a whole other blog altogether), anyways, “Be someone that you can be proud of”. If you can step back and look at your life and say, “you know what, THAT is a person who cares. That is someone who has it together and tries their hardest” then you, my friend, are on the right track. If you look at it and say “Who turned on Jersey Shore” you seriously need to get your shit together if you have any hopes of being pretty much anything other than a bar whore. Enjoy being young, but don’t be trashy. It’s just not fitting, you are worth so much more than that. And last but not least, don’t open your legs if you’re just going to bitch about cause and effect later, no one wants to hear that. This concludes my rant. I hope you don’t hate me…because I’m human and I actually care what you think but if by sad chance you do..I think I’ll be okay.

One Fine Day.

Perhaps one day I’ll find contentment in things which I can, but choose not to change. Maybe if I’m lucky the lines between happiness and misery will thin into a gray area in which my heart can reside. If mercy finds me in some distant future then by luck or chance I may come across the pieces of me I’ve managed to lose throughout the years. If I ever find myself, I will find what I’ve been Looking for.

Not that you necessarily needed more relationship advice...

Oh Monday, where should I start with you? I could start by talkingj about lying to yourself…or possibly lying to everyone else? I could discuss unhealthy relationships, really bad drivers or learning to calm yourself. Oh my so much to talk about and so little time to type it all. That and I don’t want you to stay glued to the computer screen for an hour because I’m just that interesting and all. I wish, right? Well I will gladly accept the 10 minutes you take out of your day to read my words and I hope it serves as either something helpful or a form of amusement. Either way I’m happy.

Bad drivers and trying to calm yourself is actually more of a description of my drive home last night and even though I could talk about it for a good 20 minutes I know that none of you really care, and I am totally okay with that! So on to the real subject at hand….

“You can’t stop lying to everyone else until first you stop lying to yourself.” –Kayla Davis

I can be so quote worthy on occasions. I have spent a lot of time the last week thinking about life and the way people tend to depict it to the outside world. We have these ideas in our heads of what is socially acceptable and what we should portray as happiness but the truth is we all look absolutely obnoxious. I have said this one million times, no one’s life is perfect. That doesn’t mean I want to hear how terrible your life is, that is just tacky and I don’t do the whole self pity thing. I just want people to be aware of the fact that just because you say things are perfect, the rest of the world knows that you’re full of it. No relationship is flawless, no one is happy with their partner 100% of the time. That’s just reality. News flash, if you think you’re going to go the rest of your life without fighting with your spouse you’re deep, deep in the dark so deep in fact that at this point harnessing the powers of the sun in your very own hands couldn’t help you. The truth is that we’re human, we all make mistakes and at some point we’ll all be in the dog house for a little bit. Now, what I am sincerely concerned about are people who actually think their life is perfect. I figure if you say something so many times you just start to believe it and I’ve often heard that ignorance is bliss. Well what happens when one day those people wake up and realize they’ve just gone from living in a fairy tale to living in a horror story? You were so blinded by your hallmark image of your marriage that you missed the point where your Husband started sleeping with the babysitter and now he’s leaving you. That must feel like falling from the sky to rock bottom. Ouch. However, a realistic person would have noted changes in the relationship and would have been easing themselves into the fall; it would still hurt but they’d get out with a few broken bones versus a fatal head injury. Don’t make excuses for someone just to make your life seem like there’s nothing wrong, you need to take control of problems not be complacent as they slip by and eat away at your mental state. Making the person take responsibility for their own actions will get you a lot further in the long run. I’m not trying to down play happiness here in the least bit, I know there are times when life feels absolutely perfect. But perfect moments are real; they are something that in that moment is indeed flawless. But minutes versus a constant are two different things. Life is full of ups and downs but life is never one steady line, unless of course you’re dead. I can remember a few months ago I was in my nice warm bathtub with the lights dimmed, jets on, The Fray playing softly through speakers, my beautiful new mural elegantly gracing the wall in front of me and my Husbands arms wrapped around me securely. In that moment I actually thought my heart was going to explode and I was going to die of happiness. If I felt like that all the time…I think I would be numb to the rest of the world, actually. The part of the frame you’re not seeing is that I spent the day bickering at him and frustrated but it made unwinding with him that much more beautiful. If we pretend things are perfect, we ignore the real problems and in doing so we set ourselves up for failure. If we admit to ourselves we have problems and don’t ignore them openly then we can build a foundation on more than just an image. When it all draws to an end we are not Polaroid’s, we will change and we will fade and the only thing we will have left is the love for each other so instead of worrying about how everyone else perceives your relationship why not spend time on how you legitimately perceive it yourself.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

This is most definitely true, there is not one person in this world that someone, somewhere doesn’t find attractive. We all have different tastes and preferences, some of us have none at all. This week I have seen two rather interesting examples of people and size discrimination, one being a photo Victoria Secret posted to their Facebook page of a model in a pair of undies and another being a repost by a friend of a plus size model who was also rather scantily clad. Both grown women, both having brunette hair, both in my eyes absolutely beautiful.

Obviously my opinion was far off from many users of the social networking site. You see when any idiot can hide behind a little icon with a picture of an inanimate object in it they tend to be the first to throw stones, after all who’s going to do anything to them? It’s just the internet. If I could throw that cucumber in their picture right at their hateful presumably ugly face I would. Below the picture of the Vicky S model, the comments were just awful. Comments ranged from “go eat a burger” to “she has to be anorexic” and of course there were people calling her “beautiful” and “sexy” also, but the arguments raged amongst the commenters who were spouting out things such as “you’re just jealous” to “ this is why girls develop eating disorders, they have to live up to America’s standards.” It was all one giant mess. I commented, of course and although it was full of wisdom one thing I learned years ago is that no matter how powerful simple logic is there will always be people out there too obnoxious to even begin to absorb it. As I scrolled through the 1000 comments I couldn’t help but get angry. No one and I mean absolutely NO ONE has any room to criticize another human being for their appearance. No one is picture perfect, models are not even picture perfect, every time you’re looking at a magazine full of perfectly shaped breasts and toned tummies I want you to thank Photoshop for its wonders and abilities. So this poor girl, who could possibly be the sweetest person in the world, is being criticized for looking too thin when in reality she’s probably not THAT small, it’s whatever sales. In this case you’re broadcasting a picture to millions of people and as I said earlier, haters love to hate. So as if seeing a skinny girl being torn down wasn’t bad enough I had a friend post a picture of a plus sized model with a story attached about a sign in a gym asking if this summer gym goers want to be “whales or mermaids”. Well I for one plan to be human this summer but that’s just me. The story was sweet and I understand where whomever wrote it was coming from even though it did do slightly what it was defending against. It compared Whales to Mermaids, whales (larger women) getting the upper hand while mermaids (smaller women) were said to have had personality disorders and have nothing appealing beyond the skin pretty much. Well as you can imagine the comments on this original picture were just as harsh as the ones on the Victoria Secret post. She was called things from “Fatty” (Oh I bet that one cut deep, now please return to your desk and continue coloring, little Timmy!) to actually being referred to as a Whale. It is completely beyond me why anyone would feel hateful things necessary to even say in either case. We all have opinions but some should definitely never make it past our cranium.

What didn’t so much surprise me is it seemed a lot of the judgment was coming from men. Oh men, you are all so perfect none of you are too fat or too skinny, too ugly or too stupid. But women, please refer to us indirectly every chance you get as one of the above. Now obviously not every man is like this, I actually personally know very few that are and that’s because I would never associate with a pompous asshole. However, there were women being just as nasty as the men. Women that I am sure would be hurt if someone judged them just as they were judging these girls.

The truth is no matter how hard you try someone out there is going to tell you you’re not good enough. I for one have been told I am too thin and I have seen women who are perfectly healthy be told they are too thick. You know what I have to say to those people who say such things? Shut your judgmental, foul, uneducated, inconsiderate mouth. Everyone has beauty in them, no matter how large or how thin. There are occasions when you are LEGITIMTELY concerned with someone’s health that it’s okay to say, “Hey, I really don’t want to see you hurt yourself, please let’s get some help.” But telling her she looks like she’s eating too much or too little is no one’s business but hers and as long as SHE feels beautiful and of course healthy then that’s all that matters. Women are all built different for different reasons; we are all unique in our own wonderful ways. Just because you don’t find someone attractive does not mean that they are not perfect in someone else’s eyes. I don’t care if you’re a size 0 or a size 16, you indeed are beautiful because you were put on this earth as a capable woman. You have hips that were meant to bore children, breasts that were meant to feed them and compassion which was meant to nurture them. No matter what anyone says or thinks, that’s what makes you beautiful, the fact that you have a pecial purpose that no man nor woman can change. How can someone not find beauty in that? How can anyone think that something built so specifically is unattractive?

So my Dear friends, I leave you with this: You are absolutely beautiful, in every single way. No matter how you think others feel about you or what they say remember this, that the most beautiful part of us is our soul, our personality, the radiance of our smiles and as long as you are confident in yourself you are invincible. Those who judge others based on their outer shell are indeed very rotten people inside and no matter how attractive they think themselves on the outside NO ONE likes an apple with a rotten core.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Ah Snap. Today has been interesting in so many different ways. Let’s start it out with this, “that awkward moment you see the people that’s blocked on your facebook in person” <-that was one of my friends statuses on Wednesday…I read it and laughed…and then today I actually got to live that awkward moment. You don’t know whether to say Hi or ignore them or what. For the record I was polite and said Hi, it’s not her fault that I’m easily annoyed and short tempered. I did what was best for all parties. Anywhoo, as if that wasn’t enough ridiculousness for one day of course I have to have drama on my facebook, why wouldn’t I?! Everyone is so touchy. For the record, if you do something and it ends up all over the news you can’t really get upset when people bring it up, because after all it was broadcasted to the whole city, not just people you know. I think a good rule of thumb Is that if you don’t want the world knowing about it, try not to put yourself in that position…I know that can’t always be done realistically but it’s just a passing thought. Enough of that mess now on to what I want to talk about today!

“A good marriage in my opinion is based on partnership, not ownership. Some women obviously just have no business sense. Back to the kitchen with you!”

Just a few words my brain produced whilst thinking about women who worship their men. And don’t misunderstand me when I say “worship” because I adore my Husband…and on occasions I tell him he’s a God…but that’s a bit personal. What I mean when I use it in the above statement is what happens when a woman does that thing where the only thing in life is him. Air? Who needs it! I have a man! A job? Who needs it! I would rather wash his clothes! A life? Who needs it! I just live to make him happy!

Excuse me when I say: Fuck. That.

I respect a woman who would jump through hoops to make her man happy, good for you! However, I have no respect for a woman who lets a man control her, as I shouldn’t since she’s putting herself on servant level and not proud living creature level. Hell even my dog has more respect for herself than that. If making your man happy is what makes you happy then more power to you but I personally am not much of a gambler when it comes to my future. When you start living and breathing for another person then in turn you stop living and breathing for yourself. When you constantly worry about what’s going to make him happy you lose the things that make you happy. I’m not saying that every relationship fails but if it comes to the point where that one does then you have nothing, you put yourself in a situation to lose everything. How can any woman be proud of that? Do you know who makes decisions for me? I do. Of course being married and having respect for my husband I do confide in him when I need it but in the end I do what’s best for us, not because I was told to do it but because I thought for myself. When a decision is made we do it together. Household chores? We do them together. Is it my job to come home and cook for him while he sits on the couch? Hell no. When I come home and cook after 9 hours at work ts not because I feel obligated, it is because I’m a Mother and Wife and I want to feed my family and make them happy. We do things together and help each other, because that’s what love is. Love isn’t giving in and letting go of your dreams to make the other person happy, love is helping each other achieve those dreams and supporting one another every step of the way. Does my Husband control my actions? No. If he has a problem with something he discusses it with me and we go from there. At no point in time will anyone but me and the United States Government dictate what I can and can’t do. If I choose not to, yet again it is because I respect him. If you tell me “No” I will respond with “watch me”. If you he asks me not to, then I will take the feelings to heart and agree with him as I would assume he was looking out for me and the family. I respect him as a person and as an equal. Now if I hear “but my man won’t let me do that” one more time I swear I’m going to slap a Bitch. And I mean “bitch” with all the love in the world. If you’re not going to do something don’t not do it because he told you No, do it because you discussed it and respect his wishes. Is it really so hard to think for yourself? Get out there and live, be something that YOU can be proud of. This isn’t 1950, the kitchen is for experimental counter sex, not making him a sandwich. In this day and age we grow up being told we can be whatever we want to be, I never wanted to be a servant and I tell you right now the only people I will ever act as a slave to are my children and that’s because let’s face it, kids are the ultimate little dictators. If I get yelled at to make a sandwich by my daughter you better believe I’ll be asking her if she wants it cut in halves or fours because I fear the intense wrath of an unhappy 3 year old. But being a parent and being a partner are 2 different things. Those children are a part of me whether I like it or not, they are extensions of my body. A man will fit well like a puzzle piece but unlike a limb attached to a body, a puzzle piece can be removed from a board easily. The sooner a woman learns to stand up and think for herself and live for her less likely she is to have a hidden drinking problem at the age of 50.

Remember, would you rather be an employee or a co-owner? You could be the person flipping the burgers or the person that makes $500 every time that burger is flipped.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

The Golden Rule.

Today I logged on the internet to find stories of “coming out” and marriages spurred by the repeal of DADT. It was wonderful; to see people so happy to be able to finally be themselves really hit a soft spot for me. I couldn’t even imagine what it would be like to not be able to be how you…well…are. That would be like me pretending I never had an opinion, except I could imagine sexuality is obviously about 100X’s more serious than that and a lot more painful. Sadly following these stories I came upon an article about a 14 year old boy who had taken his own life. It wasn’t the first time I’ve seen a story like this, he had been bullied and just couldn’t deal with the pain despite him actively seeking help. He had submitted a video for the “It gets Better Project” sometime prior to his death which is what gave this story a particularly heartbreaking edge. The It Gets Better Project aims to help struggling LGBT adolescence and let them know that there is life after high school that it gets better. 14 years old. Life is hard enough at that age without adding the isolation that someone who was constantly being verbally attacked must feel. We hear all the time how cruel children are. Indeed they can be heartless little monsters and at one point every single one of us was that age and some may have even been like the bullies that lead to this child’s untimely death. I can remember being picked on for being small very early on. That hurt. Hell when someone criticizes my size now it still hurts. We are the way God (or genetics if you’re an atheist) made us.

Every single one of us has flaws. I’m too skinny. My nose is too big. My toes are too long and my teeth aren’t perfectly straight. The abuse I endured was nothing compared to what the kids who gets called “Gay” go through, every, single, day. There are so many homophobic, racist and just plain mean people out there. Some are open about it and others keep it to themselves. Some people are just flat out hateful and it doesn’t matter if you’re gay, a certain race, religion or gender, they’re going to be as malicious as possible. They feed off other people’s pain. People like that baffle me; people who hate someone who is in no way hurting them or even affecting their lives. Baseless hatred. Now I know that I’ve said unnecessary things to people that have hurt them and in the heat of the moment I felt like a jab in the most tender spot was more than enough to bring the argument to an end, leaving my opponent wounded and what I can only assume is feeling pretty low. Chances are at some point you’ve done it too. Call them fat. Call them stupid. Call them anything in the book you know will hurt. I hate that I’ve done it. In my particular case do I take it back? Not at all. But…it had circumstances. I do feel bad about stooping that low and at this point I’d apologize if I ever felt inclined but chances are I’ll leave it in the past and it was not a common or repetitive thing. Right now I want you to think about something, think about every time you called someone a name. Even if you said it to a friend or thought it to yourself. Think about every time you stared at someone who was impaired in some way.

Got the memories good and tuned up? Now think about a baby. A helpless newborn baby. Every person you have ever been mean to because of something that they can’t help was once someone’s child. At one point that kid you just called a fag was a curious toddler, completely innocent just wanting to be held and loved just like you were at that age. A child that a parent only wanted the best for. Now imagine that that was your baby. How would you feel if a person called your sweet innocent child fat? Or ugly? Or GAY? Imagine someone making your child feel like they were worthless because they weren’t societies “norm”. Now think about it like this: you once made someone’s baby feel insignificant, like they weren’t good enough because in your eyes they were flawed. We all start out the same, with hopes and dreams and as we become our own people we are faced with judgment every single day, but chances are that someone out there is dealing with it on a much worse level; a level where they feel there is no hope and it hurts worse to be told how blasphemous their existence is than it does to pull the trigger of a loaded gun. Remember that Baby at the beginning of the paragraph? So does the Mother now planning its funeral. Parents who once held a baby in their arms looking at it with wonder and hope are now looking at pictures of that same beautiful baby to put on a remembrance slide show. Trying to figure out how someone could be so hateful to a child that in their eyes was perfect. How could someone call the kid that they once read bed time stories to and colored pictures with “weird”. How could someone call the child that they sang playfully in the car with “gay”. How could another child make the child that was so full of joy and excitement on his birthday or Christmas morning feel like he wasn’t good enough to live on this earth. Imagine how helpless that must make a parent feel. How bad that must hurt. In this case a suicide is just a Murder by proxy. Something that was 100% preventable if only tolerance was taught and not hate. If only everyone put themselves in the shoes of a parent or even a child struggling with being different.

Sure, this article isn’t going to change the world. It may not even change the minds of people but I just want to ask one thing of individuals: put yourself in the person you hurts shoes. Put yourself in their siblings shoes, in their parents shoes. In their best friends shoes. Hell, in their dog’s shoes if you need to. When you hurt someone, you’re not just hurting them, you’re hurting the people that love them. People that are human just like you. Now, the most important and impressionable thing, teach your children the right thing. Show them that just because someone is different does not mean that they don’t have feelings. Let them know how serious bullying can be, how words really DO hurt contrary to childhood rhymes. Don’t let your child be the reason a mother is crying about her own. Treat others how you’d want to be treated really is a golden rule and it’s never too late to start.

Fate.

Just one more that I managed to save....for now.

To touch is to feel as to hurt is to heal
Letting go of someone isn't always right
Just like love isn't always felt at first sight
Perfection is a joke and the cover for lies
And sometimes a relationship is built on goodbyes
Happiness can fade and seem almost gone
But theres that light in their eyes that makes you hold on
Love is not always like a storybook or words from a song
Just because its not flawless doesn't mean that its wrong
Theres beauty in the breakdown and hope in the hate
If a love is meant to be, you can't toy with fate.

Just a Phase

This is something I wrote a few years back, figured I'd keep the words alive instead of losing them to the dark abyss which is my once lively Myspace blog..

As tomorrows fade into yesterdays

the truth becomes more clear
Unjustified are decisions that you've made

Its what you always feared

What you thought was right

was a letdown in disguise

But when the truth shines through

You miss the long goodbyes

Hope, it always lingers

Its such a heartless tease

It never seems to matter

Till you start to miss the little things

You're digging yourself deeper

You find it hard to breathe

You find yourself with questions

When answers are what you need

You think you've hit rock bottom

But you've thought this before

There's always something lower

You're not quite on the floor

So you'll just keep on spinning

Its all an endless maze

But somehow if you're lucky,

It'll have all been just a phase.

Keep on Creepin' on.

I am really, really starting to worry about myself. I can remember a time..probably almost 6 years ago...when I genuinely cared about pretty much every other human being. I was not bias or judgemental, I did not care what political party they backed and little smart ass comments went right over my head. I miss that naive girl. She was enjoyable, she was sweet and innocent.

She was a total push over.

Looking back, I would have thought her weak. She was everything I strive not to be...in her defense she was a child in almost every way. Eventually you get tired of having nothing, of being nothing. I had a decent personality but I kept it to myself and a close knit group of friends. Sadly, I am not friends with barely any of those people anymore and even more sadly I am totally okay with that. I just can't get over how holier than thou that I've become, I sincerely want to tell certain people what they're doing wrong in the least sensitive way possible on the daily. How cruel is that? I'm not like that deep inside yet I have to keep my fingers from typing profanities regularly. It really is because I care, if I didn't then I would gloat over their misery and in no way want to help them improve anything. Then there are moments when I just want to give someone a hug, to tell them that its going to be okay and give them every ounce of me that I can. Its just so hard when I think someone has a self inflicted problem or is plain out making bad choices. No one is going to tell them they're wrong. How can anyone ever learn if no one ever tells them that they are headed down the wrong path? I mean I'm not a road map but if you're ruining your own life to the point where its obvious to the whole world, someone needs to say something, for your own sake. I know I'm not perfect, in fact I know more than anyone else in the world just how imperfect I am. You have no idea. I know I'm not always right and I know just because I believe something down to my core doesn't make it right for everyone and even for myself. I truly do keep an open mind. I just cannot stand blatant ignorance (then again, who can?) but I know at times I too am probably completely idiotic sounding although I try to filter the things I say to avoid that. There are certain times I completely lie for the better good, like when people get pregnant and its obviously not a good thing, It irritates me.. a lot...but then I think about it, it's not my life and it can't be undone so why not be happy for the person? Its a blessing in disguise, sure the kid may not get the ideal childhood but that doesn't mean it won't be happy. I grew up unprivileged and I turned out fine, I loved my childhood, I didn't know any different. Now my kids, my kids are going to be spoiled and well educated and I shouldn't shun people who didn't do things by the books (I had a kid at 18 and unmarried for Heavens sake) because they may be perfectly happy with how their lives are...I realize not everyone is as hard to please as I am. Anyone can be anything if they try hard enough, even in the toughest situations and I know that if someone wants something bad enough that they will get it.

Now politics, I don't have much wiggle room there, if you're an idiot when it comes to politics...well that just sucks, I can't change that or even justify it in my head aside from reminding myself that its not for everyone. Now I will tell you what gets on my nerves, you know on facebook where you can put your political beliefs? Of course you do...well I read the DUMBEST SHIT on those...I will go look for some real examples right now actually...please hold..Now keep in mind these are real, I straight copied and pasted...which actually may be illegal but oh well.


"Anything but Obama"
"politics aint shit mayne"
"Screw Obama"
"Who cares."

Sadly I couldn't find the more ridiculous ones due to Facebooks new security settings and options to hide different things. Fail. But back to my point.... Really? I mean politics only effect EVERY aspect of your little ungrateful life. Some people are so, so, SO very stupid. And they broadcast it for the world to see. I mean do what everyone else is doing right now and just don't put anything...or if you're going to spout out stupid and occasionally racist things then please pick up a paper or watch the news every now and then so you can have some actual footing for an argument. Please....pretty please?

Oh yes, another thing, I see lots of hypocrisy these days. I'm hypocritical about a lot of things myself unintentionally but most people don't know when I'm being hypocritical, one of those kinda do as I say not as I do type things...yet again generally because I care and know what I'm doing/did is not ideal. But don't make a public argument about something as if you don't do it...Example: I hate when Mom's go out all the time! and then you post EVERY NIGHT where you're drinking at. Holy shit...take a look in the mirror, you are out doing exactly what you bash other women for possibly with the bitches you were talking about. Do not pretend to be a Saint and then take pictures of you acting like trailer trash. Now, there is nothing wrong with going out and having a good time, most of us are of age adults and just because you have kids doesn't mean your life is totally over but there's a difference in being an adult about it and acting like trash. Just ugh, its so nasty. I mean I think its trashy to party all the time period but if you have a kid(s), seriously, re-evaluate because you've got your priorities ALL wrong. Real talk. And if you're 18 drinking every night...you have a problem, I was 18 once.....that was still trashy then. I mean, come one you're ruining your liver before you're even old enough to buy your own alcohol. Don't get me wrong, on my 17th Birthday I was wasted, but that was one night not 5 times a week every week. Get it together, don't be a bar whore, you're better than that. Plus I heard that STD's are running rampid these days...you don't want crotch rot from some drunk one night stand! Silly girls. One day, hopefully, they will grow up and realize how much time they wasted in which case I will hug them and welcome them [back] to the real world. And for the record, if you're a 20-something and just really do want to party every night and have managed to not reproduce, GET IT GIRL! Enjoy being young and not having responsibilities! :) Seriously, because one day you probably will and theres no need to grow up before you have to. You lucky dog, you!

Hmmm...what else can I vent about tonight? I could have gone one about partying Mom's for hours...but we all do that via Facebook regularly anyway :)

Oh I know.

Creepers.

Do you ever get a friend request from someone you have never talked to but you have mutual friends with.....they be creeeeepin. I creep. I creep on the regular...on my friends of course! Apparently I suck at it these days because I miss all kinds of stuff and later I hear "didn't you read that, I posted it on facebook?!" Excuse me for not checking your particular newsfeed every day.. I mean Its not like I have a life or something. Anyway, I get requests from girls all the time, girls I hate or better yet girls I've deleted and they just realized it because they were trying to look at my profile. Ha, bitch, gotcha. When I notice someone deleted me I don't try to add them again, I block that b*tch. But obviously some people really don't have lives. My favorite is people I don't like, I like to message them and say "do I know you?" because then they just feel stupid. No one expects you to question them, you see I've thought this out. And I know we've all added people to look at their stuff, I've done it, you've done it...hell your Mom's probably done it. But, some people have some serious creepin' issues, it is not necessary to add every girl your man adds or every person you say one word to. I mean what is so interesting about someone else's life to where you have to sit there and read every status they've ever posted and go through every picture. It's just not healthy. If you don't know me then why do you want to see what's going on in my life...you shouldn't care and if you do care then you should be my friend...or go to stalkers anonymous. Its also not healthy to send someone a friend request and then another and another because you can't figure out why they're not adding you, they must be playing duck, duck, goose with you're requests, they'll give in eventually. <--that shit is way unhealthy. If someone doesn't want to be your friend then why they hell would you want to be friends with them?! You have some serious self worth issues and congratulations you are a super creeper. (that scenario is 100% real I actually had a girl send me not 1, 2, 3 or even 4 requests but FIVE requests before I blocked her).

Well, I'm all typed out and could barely proof-read due to my lack of sleep..so excuse any gramatical errors, I will fix them at a later more alert time.
Until next time, stay happy, stay healthy and keep reading :)

The Little Things That Make Me a Terrible Person...

Earlier whilst discussing my cat with my best friend I was talking about how I wanted to buy her a scratching post but when I was standing in petsmart I realized my cat was declawed. This led to me saying "I felt terrible, buying a cat without claws a scratching post is like buying a guy without legs a bike."

That is why I'm a bad person. Even my innocent statements are offensive.

How Can I help You, Say Goodbye...

My mouse is in the middle of the screen right where the replay button will reveal itself as the recorded moment draws to an end. I hit it, over and over again. 0.45 seconds. I want to yell at the screen, I want to plead with myself to just reach my arms out and hug her. She's right there, inches away. Why don't you just hug her, Kayla?! You have no idea how much time you don't have. She's so close yet so very very far away. I wipe my eyes and once again relive the moment. I'm smiling, I'm talking to her. She's there with me.

Complacency.

I never really know whether to repress the memories or just crawl up in bed and let them consume me for a few hours while I fight back the tears. Pictures are one thing, its one single moment captured, the personality is only as deep as the film its printed on. A video is something different, its so real. To see her move, to see her brush my hair out of my face...My God, to hear her voice. That was her. That was real. Sometimes its as if I never had that part of my life, I try to keep it hidden deep so its not easily found by my wondering mind but when its there its hard to turn away from. Its so hard not to think about it, to play through things in my mind. All the things I would have done differently. Would I have talked to her more? Made her get help? I know I shouldn't think things like that because I can't change them but its so hard not to. Would I have spent more time with her towards the end when things had been so tense between us?...Maybe I wouldn't have gotten so annoyed by her persistant phone calls to check up on me the weekend Aaron and I got married; she just cared.

Sometimes I just feel so detached. When things get rough or stressful she was who I talked to. Everyone else talked to me and I just talked to her. It was such a relief to have her support and now when I need it I just seem to remove myself from the situation and just let it pass and go whatever way it chooses. I guess I just lost a part of me. I feel so guilty about things too, when she died, of course I was the one dealing with the county and the M.E. Well, they asked if I wanted to donate her tissues and organs. I know she would have wanted that, we'd actually talked about it before. I told them no. Me, someone who is all about helping others, I genuinely would give the shirt off my back to help someone said "No" to potentially saving numerous lives. That has eaten away at me for 20 months. When they asked, it was all still so fresh, I couldn't accept it; I didn't want them to take any part of her. I just couldn't stand the thought. It makes me sick still, but I know I should have done it. I can't let it go. She would have wanted me to. I haven't been able to talk to anyone about that...then again its not really something you bring up at dinner. The one time I did confide in someone they just said what they thought would help (God bless his heart) but it just made me feel much worse. I guess its something that no words can really justify. I feel bad about it, but I can't change it. I just needed to say it.

What happens when you can't make new memories of someone? The immortality the memory was feeding begins to die over time as it slowly fades until it is completely forgotten or dies with us. Then that person is dead in all senses. What a terrible thought. Eventually we will all be irrelevant. People we loved will become irrelevant. It'll be as if we never were. Time can be oh so cruel.

If you Lust, My Darling.

If there was ever a feeling I wish I could put into words it would be the feeling of attraction and the raw power of lust. If it was an emotion, it would be love. They just have such a strong thick consistancy, it fills your whole body. I can imagine everyone feels it at some point in life, some of us with just one person and some others feel it more than once...its what the good old romances are made of.

Its walking up to a doorway with a man a few steps behind you, he's reaching playfully for your hand and you laugh nervously. You progress up the walkway and suddenly you can feel every nerve in your body firing off like fireworks on the Fourth of July. As you approach the door your breathing becomes shallow as you can feel his presence draw closer and the heat of his body is all but right against your back.

This is the moment I wish I could condense into a fragrance and place in a bottle. It would sit it upon a shelf awaiting a quiet moment when I could pull out the cork and just inhale. It would take me back, I would be able to feel the moment just as it was. For a brief second, I would be full of flawless lust. Sex is of course human nature, but lust, lust is something much more complex.

You're standing there face to face just inches apart. The magnetism of the moment is drawing you closer together, you can feel it in your chest. The urge to leap is strong and its running wild throughout your whole body; it's in your blood. Yet, somehow as if defying everything you are feeling your body is frozen, unsure of the perfect next move. Every move he makes draws you further in, his lips are just within your reach and your arms are aching to be around him. One of you is bound to give into the pull. His hand rests upon the side of your face, his palm gently brushing your jawline. The attraction is embraced and the polar opposites collide. Bodies pull close in a rush of adrenaline, its what you were waiting for. Lust.


Lying on the couch, your feet are draped over his lap; he rubs them thoughtlessly, its more of a reflex now. Everything is calm and content. Your mind wonders away from where you are, back to a time much like this one where he said something sweet and the same little shocks you felt in your chest then are now errupting in a manner that is equally as intoxicating in the here and now. You draw your feet back to you and lean up and kiss him. His eyes are as kind as they've always been and everything inside of you makes you want to melt right into his skin. There is nothing that could make you close enough. The desire you have for him comes from deep inside, its untraceable and unexplainable. It comes naturally and effortlessly. Your heart is full and you feel as though it may leap out of your chest and up through your throat. Its as if every wrong in the world was just made right simply by your skin touching his. All that you want and need can be found here, within him. Love.

Anyone can lust, its a raw and primal thing. Unmistakably one of the most strong feelings a human can experience and quite possibly my favorite. However, loving goes a lot deeper. The attraction it brings comes from a different part of you, a part that is attracted in so many ways and runs deeper than you or I could imagine. When caught in a moment lust can feel a lot like love, hell it can feel a lot like whatever your brain wants to justify it as just as long as the guy on the other end is unbottoning those just-right jeans of his. However, I do find it important to know the difference and stay concious of each unique situation. Of course you can lust over someone you love, too. But, there is a real difference in situation that harbors strictly physical chemistry and one that goes beyond just the sheets.