My mouse is in the middle of the screen right where the replay button will reveal itself as the recorded moment draws to an end. I hit it, over and over again. 0.45 seconds. I want to yell at the screen, I want to plead with myself to just reach my arms out and hug her. She's right there, inches away. Why don't you just hug her, Kayla?! You have no idea how much time you don't have. She's so close yet so very very far away. I wipe my eyes and once again relive the moment. I'm smiling, I'm talking to her. She's there with me.
Complacency.
I never really know whether to repress the memories or just crawl up in bed and let them consume me for a few hours while I fight back the tears. Pictures are one thing, its one single moment captured, the personality is only as deep as the film its printed on. A video is something different, its so real. To see her move, to see her brush my hair out of my face...My God, to hear her voice. That was her. That was real. Sometimes its as if I never had that part of my life, I try to keep it hidden deep so its not easily found by my wondering mind but when its there its hard to turn away from. Its so hard not to think about it, to play through things in my mind. All the things I would have done differently. Would I have talked to her more? Made her get help? I know I shouldn't think things like that because I can't change them but its so hard not to. Would I have spent more time with her towards the end when things had been so tense between us?...Maybe I wouldn't have gotten so annoyed by her persistant phone calls to check up on me the weekend Aaron and I got married; she just cared.
Sometimes I just feel so detached. When things get rough or stressful she was who I talked to. Everyone else talked to me and I just talked to her. It was such a relief to have her support and now when I need it I just seem to remove myself from the situation and just let it pass and go whatever way it chooses. I guess I just lost a part of me. I feel so guilty about things too, when she died, of course I was the one dealing with the county and the M.E. Well, they asked if I wanted to donate her tissues and organs. I know she would have wanted that, we'd actually talked about it before. I told them no. Me, someone who is all about helping others, I genuinely would give the shirt off my back to help someone said "No" to potentially saving numerous lives. That has eaten away at me for 20 months. When they asked, it was all still so fresh, I couldn't accept it; I didn't want them to take any part of her. I just couldn't stand the thought. It makes me sick still, but I know I should have done it. I can't let it go. She would have wanted me to. I haven't been able to talk to anyone about that...then again its not really something you bring up at dinner. The one time I did confide in someone they just said what they thought would help (God bless his heart) but it just made me feel much worse. I guess its something that no words can really justify. I feel bad about it, but I can't change it. I just needed to say it.
What happens when you can't make new memories of someone? The immortality the memory was feeding begins to die over time as it slowly fades until it is completely forgotten or dies with us. Then that person is dead in all senses. What a terrible thought. Eventually we will all be irrelevant. People we loved will become irrelevant. It'll be as if we never were. Time can be oh so cruel.
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