Sitting on the edge of the tub I run my hand beneath the warm water pouring out of the faucet and let it run so smoothly over my fingers. I can feel the cold tile beneath my bare feet and passivly note my shadow dancing on the wall with every flicker of the candles. The room is dim save the flames. Words are pouring out of speakers flowing softly and calmly and the rush of the water is like static against it. The air around me is becoming welcoming as the heat comes off of the rising water in the tub. I stand up carefully taking in the cold shocks as my feet press firmly against the all but frozen floor then shiver with relaxation when the air around me warms me to the bone. I turn the knobs to off and the room is suddenly more silent, the kind of silent you can taste and the music graces it just perfectly. I step to the mirror and pull my hair up in a neat bun and pay little attention the sound of the gentle splash in the tub behind me. I examine myself carefully, my eyes, my nose, my lips, the way my robe falls in a deep "V" upon my chest. It has been a long day, a long month at that and I had often worried it had started to take its toll. In the pale light the exhaustion doesn't seem to show as much. I turn the corners of my lips into a gentle smile, I can't help but grin at my own frustrations. I untie the black bow that is fastened snuggly around my belly and let the robe slide off of my back and on to the floor, slowly and gracefully. In that moment I am smitten with the chill of skin being kissed by air a bit cooler than desired. I shiver and then step back towards the tub. I greet the bath with a smile, a genuine one. I carefully place one foot in and sigh as the warmth surounds my ankle. I work my other foot in and eventually my lower body, I allow myself to lean back. The skin of my back is greeted by the warmth of a chest. I lean into it, its as warm as the water, but its a different kind of warmth. Its the kind of warm that can take every tensed muscle in your body and relax it. Suddenly I am surrounded by arms, holding me tightly, I feel lips gently brush the back of my neck. I let out a breath that I was unaware I was holding. My shoulders are being gently covered with kisses and my upper body is being kept warm by the heat of skin. In this moment I close my eyes. I can not breathe. I can not think. I can only feel. I can feel the warmth of his breath as he whispers "I love you" in my ear. I can feel his hands moving slowly up and down my arms, relaxing me with every stroke as if wiping away every ounce of worry I had been carrying around. I open my eyes and glance at the words carefully painted upon the wall in front of me, "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away." This was one of those moments. In this moment, I could take my last breath and I would go out simply in bliss. In this moment my heart aches, my eyes water with the intense shocks I feel in my chest, I want to save this moment and live in it forever. I want to put it in a bottle, and place it as a trophy upon a shelf, every time I glanced at it, it would be a reminder that no matter how hard things get that there will always be another moment like this just waiting to be made and lived in. Right here in this moment, I am living and breathing perfection. I am drowing in love. In this moment every wrong in the world is suddenly right...even if only for the moment.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
I Tasted Perfection, if only for a Moment.
Sitting on the edge of the tub I run my hand beneath the warm water pouring out of the faucet and let it run so smoothly over my fingers. I can feel the cold tile beneath my bare feet and passivly note my shadow dancing on the wall with every flicker of the candles. The room is dim save the flames. Words are pouring out of speakers flowing softly and calmly and the rush of the water is like static against it. The air around me is becoming welcoming as the heat comes off of the rising water in the tub. I stand up carefully taking in the cold shocks as my feet press firmly against the all but frozen floor then shiver with relaxation when the air around me warms me to the bone. I turn the knobs to off and the room is suddenly more silent, the kind of silent you can taste and the music graces it just perfectly. I step to the mirror and pull my hair up in a neat bun and pay little attention the sound of the gentle splash in the tub behind me. I examine myself carefully, my eyes, my nose, my lips, the way my robe falls in a deep "V" upon my chest. It has been a long day, a long month at that and I had often worried it had started to take its toll. In the pale light the exhaustion doesn't seem to show as much. I turn the corners of my lips into a gentle smile, I can't help but grin at my own frustrations. I untie the black bow that is fastened snuggly around my belly and let the robe slide off of my back and on to the floor, slowly and gracefully. In that moment I am smitten with the chill of skin being kissed by air a bit cooler than desired. I shiver and then step back towards the tub. I greet the bath with a smile, a genuine one. I carefully place one foot in and sigh as the warmth surounds my ankle. I work my other foot in and eventually my lower body, I allow myself to lean back. The skin of my back is greeted by the warmth of a chest. I lean into it, its as warm as the water, but its a different kind of warmth. Its the kind of warm that can take every tensed muscle in your body and relax it. Suddenly I am surrounded by arms, holding me tightly, I feel lips gently brush the back of my neck. I let out a breath that I was unaware I was holding. My shoulders are being gently covered with kisses and my upper body is being kept warm by the heat of skin. In this moment I close my eyes. I can not breathe. I can not think. I can only feel. I can feel the warmth of his breath as he whispers "I love you" in my ear. I can feel his hands moving slowly up and down my arms, relaxing me with every stroke as if wiping away every ounce of worry I had been carrying around. I open my eyes and glance at the words carefully painted upon the wall in front of me, "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away." This was one of those moments. In this moment, I could take my last breath and I would go out simply in bliss. In this moment my heart aches, my eyes water with the intense shocks I feel in my chest, I want to save this moment and live in it forever. I want to put it in a bottle, and place it as a trophy upon a shelf, every time I glanced at it, it would be a reminder that no matter how hard things get that there will always be another moment like this just waiting to be made and lived in. Right here in this moment, I am living and breathing perfection. I am drowing in love. In this moment every wrong in the world is suddenly right...even if only for the moment.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
I am Woman, hear me purr.
In moments of weakness I remember that strength is within me. I take to heart that there is not one challenge in life that I will be confronted with that I cannot both defeat and learn from. When I feel a cloud of sadness above my head I will not drown in the fact that I am hurting, I will instead embrace the fact that I was blessed with the ability to feel such strong emotions and I will know in my heart that a smile will once again grace my lips. As a woman I will be aware of my abilities to brighten the lives of others, be it through friendship, love or motherhood and I will do my best every single day to do so. In times when things feel as if they are too much to take and everything in life is going wrong I will hold my head high and keep in mind that the only person who controls me is in fact me and I will push on and eventually will once again come out on top. I will embrace the moments that love makes me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world and I will hold them in my heart for times when I need a little encouragement. In moments when a man may make me feel like I am not worthy I will look back to a time when I was all he ever wanted and I will smile because I know I will have that again and that he is little but a stepping stone. It is all too true that if someone can not appreciate you at your worst they do not in fact deserve you at your best. I will do my best to do right by others, even when done wrong to. I will remember that the world is not perfect just as I am not and that each set back will eventually be accompanied by a moment of happiness and accomplishment. I will accept that regrets are part of life and a vital tool for learning and although I cannot change the past I can keep myself from making the same mistakes in the future. Every day I will remind myself of this:
I am strong. I am in control. I am happy. I am smart. I am beautiful. I will do all the things in life I want, no one is holding me back. I am a woman.
If These Walls Could Talk.
I place little stock in walls which will one day talk,
My faith lies not in the hope of the future but in the patterns of the past.
Stories that are told of a distant time may put a smile on my face and bring a tear to my eye,
But stories of tomorrow as happy as they may be are little but promises, that we hope to one day see.
To touch it, to feel it, to taste it; that’s real. To wish it and dream it is little but ideals.
I plan not to live in the past but to embrace today, and hope for tomorrow, although happen not, it may.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Love For Sale.
You can say things a million times, “I’m a winner, I’m a winner, I’m a winner” but words are not the same as feeling the actual emotion. “I’m leaving, I’m leaving, I’m leaving.” It’s so easy to say. Just rolls right off the tongue. It was even easy to do at first…to take a step out of the door. I stayed a close distance and enjoyed the breeze and hearing the birds sing. A taste of freedom and a breath of fresh air. As long as that door was cracked, I was okay. I pondered returning inside a few times, after all there is no place like home but each time I was reminded that beyond the manicured dusted blinds and beautifully carved door that there was much more than the Better Homes and Gardens image let on. The paint had begun to chip off the walls, the furniture was in need of shampooing, the carpets had seen better days and the old pictures that had once been so amiable were now dusty and lacked all but nostalgia. From the outside, it’s worth a million bucks but beyond the doorstep it was barely worth renovating. Time had taken its toll on the structure, the lack of caring and neglect for maintaining quality was almost painful to look at. In its prime it was beautiful, it was worth envying but now it was worth little more than a sympathetic nod. To think that things can be so beautiful and then end up being so broken is incredibly painful. In the end when people walk past it they note its fading glamour then shake their heads and walk away. People don’t realize it was once so glorious; no one thinks back to the past.Sometimes I can’t help but live there. In my head at times it’s still the wondrous mansion it once was, ready for guests, begging to be admired but then as the fog clears I can see the over grown grass and cracks trailing up the bricks from the foundation. Letting go is never easy. There’s the urge to do it all over, to paint the dining room red, to pull up the carpet and lay down fresh hardwood floors. That won’t fix the foundation though. It may hide the cracks but in the end the floors still creak and the walls are still shifting. An outsider may say, “Why sell it? It has so much potential.” But I suppose that’s easier said than done, they are not putting out the cash to have the house leveled, to have the floors redone. There is a point where it’s just not worth working on because in the end no one wins, you just get further in debt. Then what would I have to show? A pretty exterior? If the house is still unlevel and the foundation is still cracked then all I’m living in is a lie. Something that is pretty for people to look at from the outside but they’re not having to live in it. They are not having to hear the constant creaking or having to slam doors because the frame is now off. It’s not fair to expect someone to live somewhere when they’re unhappy, where no matter how much work they do there is just one problem followed by another. You can replace a door knob and then turn around and the basement is flooded. Along the road there are a many for sale signs, the occasional foreclosure and then there are houses being renovated and flooding with happiness, with graciousness for being offered a second chance. I’ve made my improvements over the years; I have brought up the property value. I have poured blood and sweat into making things picture perfect. But now all I have is defeat. I’m leaving, I’m leaving, I’m leaving. As I glance behind me I see the blackness that falls between the door and the door frame get smaller as the door is being closed completely, I jump a little as I hear it finally slam shut. I can feel my heart ache as I try to take one last mental picture of the home I am leaving behind. I walk out in the yard, hammer and sign in hand and with every ounce of energy I have left I help the picketed sign break the dry ground. For sale is stamped in bold letters. Perhaps what had once made me so happy would eventually make someone else the same way. There was just nothing left there for me. So down the sidewalk I stroll, enjoying the air, enjoying the calm. Coming to terms with the ache, knowing that I would once again find a beautiful house that would welcome me and this homelessness wouldn’t last forever.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Just to Clear the Air.
It really annoys me when I’m online and the ads I’m being suggested are all about wrinkle removal. “This $5 secret for youthful skin has dermatologists angry at this Houston Mom”. Seriously I see that one all the time, generally accompanied by ads saying “Mom makes $7000 a month staying home” and “Car insurance for just $5.08 a month!” So clearly my internet has somehow concluded that: A) I’m 50 with terrible skin, B) Don’t make enough money working at a real job and lastly, C) I am too broke and old/young to afford legit car insurance. Way to Phish, internet. I am however totally glad they started throwing in the “Work at home scheme investigated, you’ll be shocked at what we found.” Yes I am sure the computer virus that I would get from clicking on that link would be just SHOCKING. Sometimes the internet irritates me.
I haven’t blogged in a while….I don’t really want to talk about the things that are really on my mind. At least not yet, there will be a time and a place for that but it is not here and it is not now. It’s kind of hard to keep everything in though, so many different emotions floating around these days. Alas, I will bottle it up and a few months from now I have a feeling I will get quite a few hits as I put my dirty laundry on the table. I’ll probably lose a few friends over it but I suppose if that’s the case then they weren’t really friends in the first place. I think what’s bothering me about it all is all the hush hush beating around the bush stuff, if you have a question then just ask me; don’t ask everyone else. If you want something to talk about I would be more than happy to assist you there, I would just rather facts be floating around versus assumptions and if I choose to inform you that it’s none of your damn business then I would assume you would be bright enough to leave it at that. Curiosity is of course in human nature, I respect that. Today’s social networking capabilities make it all too easy to peer into someone’s personal life. I know how nerve racking it can be to be “out of the loop” but it’s called a PRIVATE life for a reason. I am not even saying there is a story to be told, I just know some people…quite a few… are asking and I’m put off by the lack of questioning me and instead questioning everyone else. Hear-say is tacky.
On another equally depressing note, it’s almost to the anniversary of my mom’s death, again. That is weighing down on me like a ton of rocks. Every time I start to think about it I just want to breakdown. I guess that’s just part of it.
Well, on that note. I’m out.
I haven’t blogged in a while….I don’t really want to talk about the things that are really on my mind. At least not yet, there will be a time and a place for that but it is not here and it is not now. It’s kind of hard to keep everything in though, so many different emotions floating around these days. Alas, I will bottle it up and a few months from now I have a feeling I will get quite a few hits as I put my dirty laundry on the table. I’ll probably lose a few friends over it but I suppose if that’s the case then they weren’t really friends in the first place. I think what’s bothering me about it all is all the hush hush beating around the bush stuff, if you have a question then just ask me; don’t ask everyone else. If you want something to talk about I would be more than happy to assist you there, I would just rather facts be floating around versus assumptions and if I choose to inform you that it’s none of your damn business then I would assume you would be bright enough to leave it at that. Curiosity is of course in human nature, I respect that. Today’s social networking capabilities make it all too easy to peer into someone’s personal life. I know how nerve racking it can be to be “out of the loop” but it’s called a PRIVATE life for a reason. I am not even saying there is a story to be told, I just know some people…quite a few… are asking and I’m put off by the lack of questioning me and instead questioning everyone else. Hear-say is tacky.
On another equally depressing note, it’s almost to the anniversary of my mom’s death, again. That is weighing down on me like a ton of rocks. Every time I start to think about it I just want to breakdown. I guess that’s just part of it.
Well, on that note. I’m out.
Friday, November 18, 2011
Memory Lane is simply a Street Name in Hell.
I thought I'd be the one to save you,
I never thought I'd hurt you so.
You were the half that made me,
I didn't plan to let you go.
It hurt to see the pain in your eyes,
To see a warm heart become so cold.
It hurt to know I did that,
Its a regret I'm sure to hold.
To think back on every memory,
Every tremble and every kiss.
It aches to know you believed in me,
And I just left you with this.
I hope one day the walls come down,
Its always been so beautiful inside.
I hope you find that warmth again,
I'd give anything to see you smile.
I never thought I'd hurt you so.
You were the half that made me,
I didn't plan to let you go.
It hurt to see the pain in your eyes,
To see a warm heart become so cold.
It hurt to know I did that,
Its a regret I'm sure to hold.
To think back on every memory,
Every tremble and every kiss.
It aches to know you believed in me,
And I just left you with this.
I hope one day the walls come down,
Its always been so beautiful inside.
I hope you find that warmth again,
I'd give anything to see you smile.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Last Stop on the Pity Train Today: IDGAF Central.
Oh I’m annoyed. So, so very annoyed. I mean it’s my fault, in all reality I should just delete my facebook and pretend that people aren’t as ignorant as they really are seeing as in real life I wouldn’t be close enough ever to any of these irritating girls to be aware of their lack of common sense and surplus of baby making ability. And don’t get me wrong I sincerely wish I was writing today about something positive, something to put a smile on your face but that went out the window along with my patience for ignorant people this morning. So if you were hoping for a pick me up, this is not the place. However if you were looking for some good ol’ bashing…I can give that to you. I am hitting all kinds of topics this morning: idiots reproducing, bad friends and little girls trying to grow up far too fast and landing somewhere between trashy and wtf.
Now this is something that has been nagging at me forever, I am going to talk about certain situations and I want no one to take offense. I am just telling you my view on it, it doesn’t mean it’s the right view or even one that’s worth reading but it’s my blog so we’ve already discussed that little “X” at the top right hand portion of your screen. Don’t go whine to someone later saying how mean I am, wah wah wah. I respect everyone as individuals and this is honestly not directed at any of my friends so if you think it’s about you I assure you it’s not because I am aware the people I am writing about either don’t read this or don’t know me. Now that all the technical stuff is out of the way let’s get to the good stuff.
Having kids is a choice. Every time you have sex, you are running the risk of pregnancy. Now some people are on/using birth control, which I am aware is only 99% effective although almost 100% of accidents happen when it’s not being used properly. So I feel for those people, it was a legitimately unplanned and just unfortunate. But there are those couples…oh those couples…that used no form of protection and somehow thought that was effective. “We weren’t planning it, it was an accident” well sticking a penis inside a vagina, is a pretty damn good way to make a Baby, I mean even public schools teach you that. So don’t call it an accident, because you would have had to have been actively trying to keep it from happening for it to have been an accident. And I realize that little surprises happen all the time… I may be a victim of that one day, but I won’t pretend it wasn’t my fault because one night..or day.. depending on how feisty I was I would have clearly had to have slipped up to get those two little taunting lines. And I will be happy about it, because there is nothing in the world more joyous than a baby and honestly if I could stay home all day and be married to a millionaire (I have to have nice stuff) then I would have 10 kids, because I seriously love being a Mom and I love being able to mold little people into hopefully productive members of society. This whole paragraph was really building up to one thing. Bitches who get pregnant on purpose, generally to keep a guy. The next time I have to hear a God Blessed pity party about how he left you and you’re stuck raising a kid alone, I swear I’m going to kick a puppy or club a baby seal. Remember how excited you were? Oh it’s going to be great, we’re going to be a family, he’s not going to leave me. Surprise, surprise when it doesn’t work out. You know whose fault that is? Yours. You lied about birth control or chose not to use it, even if he was aware and involved that doesn’t bind him to you with a contract. Yeah it sucks but it’s YOUR fault. I am not going to feel bad for you because you made bad decisions. There are people in the world with real problems, people who didn’t ask for the troubles they have. I recommend a big ol’ glass of suck it the fuck up for you. So for the girls who choose to have kids and then whine about not having a social life, that was your choice also, you made poor life decisions and no one put a gun to your head. I know everyone needs a break every now and then, trust me I’ve been there but if I don’t get it, it’s not because life is unfair, it’s because I chose to be a Mom. And just to appease those of you who love this topic, Mom’s who go out and party every night. You’re trashy. Yes, I went there. Grow up, especially if you’re out there buying beer while I, a TAX PAYER is paying for your WIC and FOODSTAMPS. Seriously? I am so glad that the fact that I want to actually support my kids is in turn helping me support yours. Before you say anything, I know, I know, I’m great and you’re welcome. Hell, I may do more for you than your baby daddy does. I know how hard it is to support your partying habit and still put food on the table. And keep on being white trash, drink every night, bring home your minimum wage and government checks, I need people like you in the world so I can give my kids examples of how not to be. So no, thank YOU.
Bad friends, Oh…. I’ve been contemplating you for a while. You see I only have one girlfriend that I can actually say I share everything with and feel comfortable doing so, and I love her, she’s the best. She never lets me down and gives in just as much if not more for our friendship and I appreciate her for it. Thank you, Lora. Seriously. Not saying that she’s my only friend, because I have a huge group of girls (and guys) that I love and have great relationships with and you all rock and I don’t want you to think I don’t appreciate you and your time…especially Kevin…because poor Kevin has to listen to me bitch almost weekly and that has got to suck. Now I have recently…well in the last year made a pretty big decision: I am DONE being the only person in a friendship. You don’t have time to hang out? Well that isn’t my problem, I am not going to even ask because I don’t need friends like that. I am at a place in my life where I need mature, grown up friends. I am not going to make an effort if you don’t. When I go to do something, I am not going to waste my time calling “friends” who never call me. I have real friends who actually attempt at a relationship, so yeah, if I’m not jumping every time you want to hang out, it’s because I am done being the one on the string.
Oh, little girls. I was a little girl once…actually wasn’t so long ago… anyway, this consistent underage drinking…well in some cases of age but right now I’m focusing on teeny boppers, is getting out of hand. I’m not going to pretend I was a perfect kid and never drank, I actually got so blitzed on my 17th birthday that I took my top off and spent the rest of the night in underwear crying and puking simultaneously while some kid I barely knew held my hair. Yeah…not my proudest moment but I’m just showing you that I can relate. I like drinking, don’t get me wrong, I can’t go more than a week without a glass of wine. That however is something I developed after I turned 21 because beforehand I just felt terrible breaking the law, I know its silly right. And if you are old enough to legally get as wasted as physically possible, have at it. But what I am seeing is a trend of these kids that are either still in or barely out of high school drinking like every night. I mean I get that its fun, but do you realize how trashy it makes you look? Is that how you want people to see you? I mean I’m sure you don’t care, a rebel without a cause and all but that is not how to be a respectable young lady. Sure Saturday nights are great for letting loose, but even then…a month of Saturday nights is looking a bit rough. I bet you feel on top of the world. So grown up because you can consume alcohol. For the record, beer makes you fat, staying up all night gives you dark circles and all that lovely liquor is killing your liver, so have at it. When you are finally old enough to drink you’ll already be so washed up that all those night won’t have looked as glamorous now. I see it ALL the time. And I’m not saying this to be mean, and it’s not the case for everyone and isn’t specifically directed at anyone. I just hate seeing girls with potential wash themselves down the drain. You may say you don’t care how people see you, but trust me you do and you will. Carry yourself in a fashion that you would respect. If you think an 18 year old girl getting drunk every night is something to look up to then congratulations, you’re setting a great example. However any class you may think you have is strictly in your head.
So in conclusion, sure I’m a bitch. I don’t filter when I should, I am high maintenance, I put people down when no one else will, I am not perfect, I am also not one to take anyone else’s shit. You can take it or leave it, just like this blog. You don’t like me? I’m sorry, it’s unfortunate but I am how I am. I am not a puppet and I am not out to make the world happy. I live by a simple motto, which is mine…..like I made it up although I’m sure eventually someone will use it after reading me write it will then claim it or whatever (but that’s a whole other blog altogether), anyways, “Be someone that you can be proud of”. If you can step back and look at your life and say, “you know what, THAT is a person who cares. That is someone who has it together and tries their hardest” then you, my friend, are on the right track. If you look at it and say “Who turned on Jersey Shore” you seriously need to get your shit together if you have any hopes of being pretty much anything other than a bar whore. Enjoy being young, but don’t be trashy. It’s just not fitting, you are worth so much more than that. And last but not least, don’t open your legs if you’re just going to bitch about cause and effect later, no one wants to hear that. This concludes my rant. I hope you don’t hate me…because I’m human and I actually care what you think but if by sad chance you do..I think I’ll be okay.
Now this is something that has been nagging at me forever, I am going to talk about certain situations and I want no one to take offense. I am just telling you my view on it, it doesn’t mean it’s the right view or even one that’s worth reading but it’s my blog so we’ve already discussed that little “X” at the top right hand portion of your screen. Don’t go whine to someone later saying how mean I am, wah wah wah. I respect everyone as individuals and this is honestly not directed at any of my friends so if you think it’s about you I assure you it’s not because I am aware the people I am writing about either don’t read this or don’t know me. Now that all the technical stuff is out of the way let’s get to the good stuff.
Having kids is a choice. Every time you have sex, you are running the risk of pregnancy. Now some people are on/using birth control, which I am aware is only 99% effective although almost 100% of accidents happen when it’s not being used properly. So I feel for those people, it was a legitimately unplanned and just unfortunate. But there are those couples…oh those couples…that used no form of protection and somehow thought that was effective. “We weren’t planning it, it was an accident” well sticking a penis inside a vagina, is a pretty damn good way to make a Baby, I mean even public schools teach you that. So don’t call it an accident, because you would have had to have been actively trying to keep it from happening for it to have been an accident. And I realize that little surprises happen all the time… I may be a victim of that one day, but I won’t pretend it wasn’t my fault because one night..or day.. depending on how feisty I was I would have clearly had to have slipped up to get those two little taunting lines. And I will be happy about it, because there is nothing in the world more joyous than a baby and honestly if I could stay home all day and be married to a millionaire (I have to have nice stuff) then I would have 10 kids, because I seriously love being a Mom and I love being able to mold little people into hopefully productive members of society. This whole paragraph was really building up to one thing. Bitches who get pregnant on purpose, generally to keep a guy. The next time I have to hear a God Blessed pity party about how he left you and you’re stuck raising a kid alone, I swear I’m going to kick a puppy or club a baby seal. Remember how excited you were? Oh it’s going to be great, we’re going to be a family, he’s not going to leave me. Surprise, surprise when it doesn’t work out. You know whose fault that is? Yours. You lied about birth control or chose not to use it, even if he was aware and involved that doesn’t bind him to you with a contract. Yeah it sucks but it’s YOUR fault. I am not going to feel bad for you because you made bad decisions. There are people in the world with real problems, people who didn’t ask for the troubles they have. I recommend a big ol’ glass of suck it the fuck up for you. So for the girls who choose to have kids and then whine about not having a social life, that was your choice also, you made poor life decisions and no one put a gun to your head. I know everyone needs a break every now and then, trust me I’ve been there but if I don’t get it, it’s not because life is unfair, it’s because I chose to be a Mom. And just to appease those of you who love this topic, Mom’s who go out and party every night. You’re trashy. Yes, I went there. Grow up, especially if you’re out there buying beer while I, a TAX PAYER is paying for your WIC and FOODSTAMPS. Seriously? I am so glad that the fact that I want to actually support my kids is in turn helping me support yours. Before you say anything, I know, I know, I’m great and you’re welcome. Hell, I may do more for you than your baby daddy does. I know how hard it is to support your partying habit and still put food on the table. And keep on being white trash, drink every night, bring home your minimum wage and government checks, I need people like you in the world so I can give my kids examples of how not to be. So no, thank YOU.
Bad friends, Oh…. I’ve been contemplating you for a while. You see I only have one girlfriend that I can actually say I share everything with and feel comfortable doing so, and I love her, she’s the best. She never lets me down and gives in just as much if not more for our friendship and I appreciate her for it. Thank you, Lora. Seriously. Not saying that she’s my only friend, because I have a huge group of girls (and guys) that I love and have great relationships with and you all rock and I don’t want you to think I don’t appreciate you and your time…especially Kevin…because poor Kevin has to listen to me bitch almost weekly and that has got to suck. Now I have recently…well in the last year made a pretty big decision: I am DONE being the only person in a friendship. You don’t have time to hang out? Well that isn’t my problem, I am not going to even ask because I don’t need friends like that. I am at a place in my life where I need mature, grown up friends. I am not going to make an effort if you don’t. When I go to do something, I am not going to waste my time calling “friends” who never call me. I have real friends who actually attempt at a relationship, so yeah, if I’m not jumping every time you want to hang out, it’s because I am done being the one on the string.
Oh, little girls. I was a little girl once…actually wasn’t so long ago… anyway, this consistent underage drinking…well in some cases of age but right now I’m focusing on teeny boppers, is getting out of hand. I’m not going to pretend I was a perfect kid and never drank, I actually got so blitzed on my 17th birthday that I took my top off and spent the rest of the night in underwear crying and puking simultaneously while some kid I barely knew held my hair. Yeah…not my proudest moment but I’m just showing you that I can relate. I like drinking, don’t get me wrong, I can’t go more than a week without a glass of wine. That however is something I developed after I turned 21 because beforehand I just felt terrible breaking the law, I know its silly right. And if you are old enough to legally get as wasted as physically possible, have at it. But what I am seeing is a trend of these kids that are either still in or barely out of high school drinking like every night. I mean I get that its fun, but do you realize how trashy it makes you look? Is that how you want people to see you? I mean I’m sure you don’t care, a rebel without a cause and all but that is not how to be a respectable young lady. Sure Saturday nights are great for letting loose, but even then…a month of Saturday nights is looking a bit rough. I bet you feel on top of the world. So grown up because you can consume alcohol. For the record, beer makes you fat, staying up all night gives you dark circles and all that lovely liquor is killing your liver, so have at it. When you are finally old enough to drink you’ll already be so washed up that all those night won’t have looked as glamorous now. I see it ALL the time. And I’m not saying this to be mean, and it’s not the case for everyone and isn’t specifically directed at anyone. I just hate seeing girls with potential wash themselves down the drain. You may say you don’t care how people see you, but trust me you do and you will. Carry yourself in a fashion that you would respect. If you think an 18 year old girl getting drunk every night is something to look up to then congratulations, you’re setting a great example. However any class you may think you have is strictly in your head.
So in conclusion, sure I’m a bitch. I don’t filter when I should, I am high maintenance, I put people down when no one else will, I am not perfect, I am also not one to take anyone else’s shit. You can take it or leave it, just like this blog. You don’t like me? I’m sorry, it’s unfortunate but I am how I am. I am not a puppet and I am not out to make the world happy. I live by a simple motto, which is mine…..like I made it up although I’m sure eventually someone will use it after reading me write it will then claim it or whatever (but that’s a whole other blog altogether), anyways, “Be someone that you can be proud of”. If you can step back and look at your life and say, “you know what, THAT is a person who cares. That is someone who has it together and tries their hardest” then you, my friend, are on the right track. If you look at it and say “Who turned on Jersey Shore” you seriously need to get your shit together if you have any hopes of being pretty much anything other than a bar whore. Enjoy being young, but don’t be trashy. It’s just not fitting, you are worth so much more than that. And last but not least, don’t open your legs if you’re just going to bitch about cause and effect later, no one wants to hear that. This concludes my rant. I hope you don’t hate me…because I’m human and I actually care what you think but if by sad chance you do..I think I’ll be okay.
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