R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Ah Snap. Today has been interesting in so many different ways. Let’s start it out with this, “that awkward moment you see the people that’s blocked on your facebook in person” <-that was one of my friends statuses on Wednesday…I read it and laughed…and then today I actually got to live that awkward moment. You don’t know whether to say Hi or ignore them or what. For the record I was polite and said Hi, it’s not her fault that I’m easily annoyed and short tempered. I did what was best for all parties. Anywhoo, as if that wasn’t enough ridiculousness for one day of course I have to have drama on my facebook, why wouldn’t I?! Everyone is so touchy. For the record, if you do something and it ends up all over the news you can’t really get upset when people bring it up, because after all it was broadcasted to the whole city, not just people you know. I think a good rule of thumb Is that if you don’t want the world knowing about it, try not to put yourself in that position…I know that can’t always be done realistically but it’s just a passing thought. Enough of that mess now on to what I want to talk about today!

“A good marriage in my opinion is based on partnership, not ownership. Some women obviously just have no business sense. Back to the kitchen with you!”

Just a few words my brain produced whilst thinking about women who worship their men. And don’t misunderstand me when I say “worship” because I adore my Husband…and on occasions I tell him he’s a God…but that’s a bit personal. What I mean when I use it in the above statement is what happens when a woman does that thing where the only thing in life is him. Air? Who needs it! I have a man! A job? Who needs it! I would rather wash his clothes! A life? Who needs it! I just live to make him happy!

Excuse me when I say: Fuck. That.

I respect a woman who would jump through hoops to make her man happy, good for you! However, I have no respect for a woman who lets a man control her, as I shouldn’t since she’s putting herself on servant level and not proud living creature level. Hell even my dog has more respect for herself than that. If making your man happy is what makes you happy then more power to you but I personally am not much of a gambler when it comes to my future. When you start living and breathing for another person then in turn you stop living and breathing for yourself. When you constantly worry about what’s going to make him happy you lose the things that make you happy. I’m not saying that every relationship fails but if it comes to the point where that one does then you have nothing, you put yourself in a situation to lose everything. How can any woman be proud of that? Do you know who makes decisions for me? I do. Of course being married and having respect for my husband I do confide in him when I need it but in the end I do what’s best for us, not because I was told to do it but because I thought for myself. When a decision is made we do it together. Household chores? We do them together. Is it my job to come home and cook for him while he sits on the couch? Hell no. When I come home and cook after 9 hours at work ts not because I feel obligated, it is because I’m a Mother and Wife and I want to feed my family and make them happy. We do things together and help each other, because that’s what love is. Love isn’t giving in and letting go of your dreams to make the other person happy, love is helping each other achieve those dreams and supporting one another every step of the way. Does my Husband control my actions? No. If he has a problem with something he discusses it with me and we go from there. At no point in time will anyone but me and the United States Government dictate what I can and can’t do. If I choose not to, yet again it is because I respect him. If you tell me “No” I will respond with “watch me”. If you he asks me not to, then I will take the feelings to heart and agree with him as I would assume he was looking out for me and the family. I respect him as a person and as an equal. Now if I hear “but my man won’t let me do that” one more time I swear I’m going to slap a Bitch. And I mean “bitch” with all the love in the world. If you’re not going to do something don’t not do it because he told you No, do it because you discussed it and respect his wishes. Is it really so hard to think for yourself? Get out there and live, be something that YOU can be proud of. This isn’t 1950, the kitchen is for experimental counter sex, not making him a sandwich. In this day and age we grow up being told we can be whatever we want to be, I never wanted to be a servant and I tell you right now the only people I will ever act as a slave to are my children and that’s because let’s face it, kids are the ultimate little dictators. If I get yelled at to make a sandwich by my daughter you better believe I’ll be asking her if she wants it cut in halves or fours because I fear the intense wrath of an unhappy 3 year old. But being a parent and being a partner are 2 different things. Those children are a part of me whether I like it or not, they are extensions of my body. A man will fit well like a puzzle piece but unlike a limb attached to a body, a puzzle piece can be removed from a board easily. The sooner a woman learns to stand up and think for herself and live for her less likely she is to have a hidden drinking problem at the age of 50.

Remember, would you rather be an employee or a co-owner? You could be the person flipping the burgers or the person that makes $500 every time that burger is flipped.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

The Golden Rule.

Today I logged on the internet to find stories of “coming out” and marriages spurred by the repeal of DADT. It was wonderful; to see people so happy to be able to finally be themselves really hit a soft spot for me. I couldn’t even imagine what it would be like to not be able to be how you…well…are. That would be like me pretending I never had an opinion, except I could imagine sexuality is obviously about 100X’s more serious than that and a lot more painful. Sadly following these stories I came upon an article about a 14 year old boy who had taken his own life. It wasn’t the first time I’ve seen a story like this, he had been bullied and just couldn’t deal with the pain despite him actively seeking help. He had submitted a video for the “It gets Better Project” sometime prior to his death which is what gave this story a particularly heartbreaking edge. The It Gets Better Project aims to help struggling LGBT adolescence and let them know that there is life after high school that it gets better. 14 years old. Life is hard enough at that age without adding the isolation that someone who was constantly being verbally attacked must feel. We hear all the time how cruel children are. Indeed they can be heartless little monsters and at one point every single one of us was that age and some may have even been like the bullies that lead to this child’s untimely death. I can remember being picked on for being small very early on. That hurt. Hell when someone criticizes my size now it still hurts. We are the way God (or genetics if you’re an atheist) made us.

Every single one of us has flaws. I’m too skinny. My nose is too big. My toes are too long and my teeth aren’t perfectly straight. The abuse I endured was nothing compared to what the kids who gets called “Gay” go through, every, single, day. There are so many homophobic, racist and just plain mean people out there. Some are open about it and others keep it to themselves. Some people are just flat out hateful and it doesn’t matter if you’re gay, a certain race, religion or gender, they’re going to be as malicious as possible. They feed off other people’s pain. People like that baffle me; people who hate someone who is in no way hurting them or even affecting their lives. Baseless hatred. Now I know that I’ve said unnecessary things to people that have hurt them and in the heat of the moment I felt like a jab in the most tender spot was more than enough to bring the argument to an end, leaving my opponent wounded and what I can only assume is feeling pretty low. Chances are at some point you’ve done it too. Call them fat. Call them stupid. Call them anything in the book you know will hurt. I hate that I’ve done it. In my particular case do I take it back? Not at all. But…it had circumstances. I do feel bad about stooping that low and at this point I’d apologize if I ever felt inclined but chances are I’ll leave it in the past and it was not a common or repetitive thing. Right now I want you to think about something, think about every time you called someone a name. Even if you said it to a friend or thought it to yourself. Think about every time you stared at someone who was impaired in some way.

Got the memories good and tuned up? Now think about a baby. A helpless newborn baby. Every person you have ever been mean to because of something that they can’t help was once someone’s child. At one point that kid you just called a fag was a curious toddler, completely innocent just wanting to be held and loved just like you were at that age. A child that a parent only wanted the best for. Now imagine that that was your baby. How would you feel if a person called your sweet innocent child fat? Or ugly? Or GAY? Imagine someone making your child feel like they were worthless because they weren’t societies “norm”. Now think about it like this: you once made someone’s baby feel insignificant, like they weren’t good enough because in your eyes they were flawed. We all start out the same, with hopes and dreams and as we become our own people we are faced with judgment every single day, but chances are that someone out there is dealing with it on a much worse level; a level where they feel there is no hope and it hurts worse to be told how blasphemous their existence is than it does to pull the trigger of a loaded gun. Remember that Baby at the beginning of the paragraph? So does the Mother now planning its funeral. Parents who once held a baby in their arms looking at it with wonder and hope are now looking at pictures of that same beautiful baby to put on a remembrance slide show. Trying to figure out how someone could be so hateful to a child that in their eyes was perfect. How could someone call the kid that they once read bed time stories to and colored pictures with “weird”. How could someone call the child that they sang playfully in the car with “gay”. How could another child make the child that was so full of joy and excitement on his birthday or Christmas morning feel like he wasn’t good enough to live on this earth. Imagine how helpless that must make a parent feel. How bad that must hurt. In this case a suicide is just a Murder by proxy. Something that was 100% preventable if only tolerance was taught and not hate. If only everyone put themselves in the shoes of a parent or even a child struggling with being different.

Sure, this article isn’t going to change the world. It may not even change the minds of people but I just want to ask one thing of individuals: put yourself in the person you hurts shoes. Put yourself in their siblings shoes, in their parents shoes. In their best friends shoes. Hell, in their dog’s shoes if you need to. When you hurt someone, you’re not just hurting them, you’re hurting the people that love them. People that are human just like you. Now, the most important and impressionable thing, teach your children the right thing. Show them that just because someone is different does not mean that they don’t have feelings. Let them know how serious bullying can be, how words really DO hurt contrary to childhood rhymes. Don’t let your child be the reason a mother is crying about her own. Treat others how you’d want to be treated really is a golden rule and it’s never too late to start.

Fate.

Just one more that I managed to save....for now.

To touch is to feel as to hurt is to heal
Letting go of someone isn't always right
Just like love isn't always felt at first sight
Perfection is a joke and the cover for lies
And sometimes a relationship is built on goodbyes
Happiness can fade and seem almost gone
But theres that light in their eyes that makes you hold on
Love is not always like a storybook or words from a song
Just because its not flawless doesn't mean that its wrong
Theres beauty in the breakdown and hope in the hate
If a love is meant to be, you can't toy with fate.

Just a Phase

This is something I wrote a few years back, figured I'd keep the words alive instead of losing them to the dark abyss which is my once lively Myspace blog..

As tomorrows fade into yesterdays

the truth becomes more clear
Unjustified are decisions that you've made

Its what you always feared

What you thought was right

was a letdown in disguise

But when the truth shines through

You miss the long goodbyes

Hope, it always lingers

Its such a heartless tease

It never seems to matter

Till you start to miss the little things

You're digging yourself deeper

You find it hard to breathe

You find yourself with questions

When answers are what you need

You think you've hit rock bottom

But you've thought this before

There's always something lower

You're not quite on the floor

So you'll just keep on spinning

Its all an endless maze

But somehow if you're lucky,

It'll have all been just a phase.

Keep on Creepin' on.

I am really, really starting to worry about myself. I can remember a time..probably almost 6 years ago...when I genuinely cared about pretty much every other human being. I was not bias or judgemental, I did not care what political party they backed and little smart ass comments went right over my head. I miss that naive girl. She was enjoyable, she was sweet and innocent.

She was a total push over.

Looking back, I would have thought her weak. She was everything I strive not to be...in her defense she was a child in almost every way. Eventually you get tired of having nothing, of being nothing. I had a decent personality but I kept it to myself and a close knit group of friends. Sadly, I am not friends with barely any of those people anymore and even more sadly I am totally okay with that. I just can't get over how holier than thou that I've become, I sincerely want to tell certain people what they're doing wrong in the least sensitive way possible on the daily. How cruel is that? I'm not like that deep inside yet I have to keep my fingers from typing profanities regularly. It really is because I care, if I didn't then I would gloat over their misery and in no way want to help them improve anything. Then there are moments when I just want to give someone a hug, to tell them that its going to be okay and give them every ounce of me that I can. Its just so hard when I think someone has a self inflicted problem or is plain out making bad choices. No one is going to tell them they're wrong. How can anyone ever learn if no one ever tells them that they are headed down the wrong path? I mean I'm not a road map but if you're ruining your own life to the point where its obvious to the whole world, someone needs to say something, for your own sake. I know I'm not perfect, in fact I know more than anyone else in the world just how imperfect I am. You have no idea. I know I'm not always right and I know just because I believe something down to my core doesn't make it right for everyone and even for myself. I truly do keep an open mind. I just cannot stand blatant ignorance (then again, who can?) but I know at times I too am probably completely idiotic sounding although I try to filter the things I say to avoid that. There are certain times I completely lie for the better good, like when people get pregnant and its obviously not a good thing, It irritates me.. a lot...but then I think about it, it's not my life and it can't be undone so why not be happy for the person? Its a blessing in disguise, sure the kid may not get the ideal childhood but that doesn't mean it won't be happy. I grew up unprivileged and I turned out fine, I loved my childhood, I didn't know any different. Now my kids, my kids are going to be spoiled and well educated and I shouldn't shun people who didn't do things by the books (I had a kid at 18 and unmarried for Heavens sake) because they may be perfectly happy with how their lives are...I realize not everyone is as hard to please as I am. Anyone can be anything if they try hard enough, even in the toughest situations and I know that if someone wants something bad enough that they will get it.

Now politics, I don't have much wiggle room there, if you're an idiot when it comes to politics...well that just sucks, I can't change that or even justify it in my head aside from reminding myself that its not for everyone. Now I will tell you what gets on my nerves, you know on facebook where you can put your political beliefs? Of course you do...well I read the DUMBEST SHIT on those...I will go look for some real examples right now actually...please hold..Now keep in mind these are real, I straight copied and pasted...which actually may be illegal but oh well.


"Anything but Obama"
"politics aint shit mayne"
"Screw Obama"
"Who cares."

Sadly I couldn't find the more ridiculous ones due to Facebooks new security settings and options to hide different things. Fail. But back to my point.... Really? I mean politics only effect EVERY aspect of your little ungrateful life. Some people are so, so, SO very stupid. And they broadcast it for the world to see. I mean do what everyone else is doing right now and just don't put anything...or if you're going to spout out stupid and occasionally racist things then please pick up a paper or watch the news every now and then so you can have some actual footing for an argument. Please....pretty please?

Oh yes, another thing, I see lots of hypocrisy these days. I'm hypocritical about a lot of things myself unintentionally but most people don't know when I'm being hypocritical, one of those kinda do as I say not as I do type things...yet again generally because I care and know what I'm doing/did is not ideal. But don't make a public argument about something as if you don't do it...Example: I hate when Mom's go out all the time! and then you post EVERY NIGHT where you're drinking at. Holy shit...take a look in the mirror, you are out doing exactly what you bash other women for possibly with the bitches you were talking about. Do not pretend to be a Saint and then take pictures of you acting like trailer trash. Now, there is nothing wrong with going out and having a good time, most of us are of age adults and just because you have kids doesn't mean your life is totally over but there's a difference in being an adult about it and acting like trash. Just ugh, its so nasty. I mean I think its trashy to party all the time period but if you have a kid(s), seriously, re-evaluate because you've got your priorities ALL wrong. Real talk. And if you're 18 drinking every night...you have a problem, I was 18 once.....that was still trashy then. I mean, come one you're ruining your liver before you're even old enough to buy your own alcohol. Don't get me wrong, on my 17th Birthday I was wasted, but that was one night not 5 times a week every week. Get it together, don't be a bar whore, you're better than that. Plus I heard that STD's are running rampid these days...you don't want crotch rot from some drunk one night stand! Silly girls. One day, hopefully, they will grow up and realize how much time they wasted in which case I will hug them and welcome them [back] to the real world. And for the record, if you're a 20-something and just really do want to party every night and have managed to not reproduce, GET IT GIRL! Enjoy being young and not having responsibilities! :) Seriously, because one day you probably will and theres no need to grow up before you have to. You lucky dog, you!

Hmmm...what else can I vent about tonight? I could have gone one about partying Mom's for hours...but we all do that via Facebook regularly anyway :)

Oh I know.

Creepers.

Do you ever get a friend request from someone you have never talked to but you have mutual friends with.....they be creeeeepin. I creep. I creep on the regular...on my friends of course! Apparently I suck at it these days because I miss all kinds of stuff and later I hear "didn't you read that, I posted it on facebook?!" Excuse me for not checking your particular newsfeed every day.. I mean Its not like I have a life or something. Anyway, I get requests from girls all the time, girls I hate or better yet girls I've deleted and they just realized it because they were trying to look at my profile. Ha, bitch, gotcha. When I notice someone deleted me I don't try to add them again, I block that b*tch. But obviously some people really don't have lives. My favorite is people I don't like, I like to message them and say "do I know you?" because then they just feel stupid. No one expects you to question them, you see I've thought this out. And I know we've all added people to look at their stuff, I've done it, you've done it...hell your Mom's probably done it. But, some people have some serious creepin' issues, it is not necessary to add every girl your man adds or every person you say one word to. I mean what is so interesting about someone else's life to where you have to sit there and read every status they've ever posted and go through every picture. It's just not healthy. If you don't know me then why do you want to see what's going on in my life...you shouldn't care and if you do care then you should be my friend...or go to stalkers anonymous. Its also not healthy to send someone a friend request and then another and another because you can't figure out why they're not adding you, they must be playing duck, duck, goose with you're requests, they'll give in eventually. <--that shit is way unhealthy. If someone doesn't want to be your friend then why they hell would you want to be friends with them?! You have some serious self worth issues and congratulations you are a super creeper. (that scenario is 100% real I actually had a girl send me not 1, 2, 3 or even 4 requests but FIVE requests before I blocked her).

Well, I'm all typed out and could barely proof-read due to my lack of sleep..so excuse any gramatical errors, I will fix them at a later more alert time.
Until next time, stay happy, stay healthy and keep reading :)

The Little Things That Make Me a Terrible Person...

Earlier whilst discussing my cat with my best friend I was talking about how I wanted to buy her a scratching post but when I was standing in petsmart I realized my cat was declawed. This led to me saying "I felt terrible, buying a cat without claws a scratching post is like buying a guy without legs a bike."

That is why I'm a bad person. Even my innocent statements are offensive.

How Can I help You, Say Goodbye...

My mouse is in the middle of the screen right where the replay button will reveal itself as the recorded moment draws to an end. I hit it, over and over again. 0.45 seconds. I want to yell at the screen, I want to plead with myself to just reach my arms out and hug her. She's right there, inches away. Why don't you just hug her, Kayla?! You have no idea how much time you don't have. She's so close yet so very very far away. I wipe my eyes and once again relive the moment. I'm smiling, I'm talking to her. She's there with me.

Complacency.

I never really know whether to repress the memories or just crawl up in bed and let them consume me for a few hours while I fight back the tears. Pictures are one thing, its one single moment captured, the personality is only as deep as the film its printed on. A video is something different, its so real. To see her move, to see her brush my hair out of my face...My God, to hear her voice. That was her. That was real. Sometimes its as if I never had that part of my life, I try to keep it hidden deep so its not easily found by my wondering mind but when its there its hard to turn away from. Its so hard not to think about it, to play through things in my mind. All the things I would have done differently. Would I have talked to her more? Made her get help? I know I shouldn't think things like that because I can't change them but its so hard not to. Would I have spent more time with her towards the end when things had been so tense between us?...Maybe I wouldn't have gotten so annoyed by her persistant phone calls to check up on me the weekend Aaron and I got married; she just cared.

Sometimes I just feel so detached. When things get rough or stressful she was who I talked to. Everyone else talked to me and I just talked to her. It was such a relief to have her support and now when I need it I just seem to remove myself from the situation and just let it pass and go whatever way it chooses. I guess I just lost a part of me. I feel so guilty about things too, when she died, of course I was the one dealing with the county and the M.E. Well, they asked if I wanted to donate her tissues and organs. I know she would have wanted that, we'd actually talked about it before. I told them no. Me, someone who is all about helping others, I genuinely would give the shirt off my back to help someone said "No" to potentially saving numerous lives. That has eaten away at me for 20 months. When they asked, it was all still so fresh, I couldn't accept it; I didn't want them to take any part of her. I just couldn't stand the thought. It makes me sick still, but I know I should have done it. I can't let it go. She would have wanted me to. I haven't been able to talk to anyone about that...then again its not really something you bring up at dinner. The one time I did confide in someone they just said what they thought would help (God bless his heart) but it just made me feel much worse. I guess its something that no words can really justify. I feel bad about it, but I can't change it. I just needed to say it.

What happens when you can't make new memories of someone? The immortality the memory was feeding begins to die over time as it slowly fades until it is completely forgotten or dies with us. Then that person is dead in all senses. What a terrible thought. Eventually we will all be irrelevant. People we loved will become irrelevant. It'll be as if we never were. Time can be oh so cruel.