So yesterday I was asked if I would blog about trust and marriage and the more I thought about it the more I realized that that wasn't even scratching the surface. Its not the actual marriage that demands trust, its the relationship. A marriage is a commitment you make to show that you've chosen to spend an extended (generally intended to be infinite amount of time but rarely is) with the same person, that has little to do with trust, its more of a step. You need trust to keep the relationship stable. With that said, I find it more appropriate to discuss trust and the actual relationship between a couple.
To be completely honest with you, I might as well be the last person most people want to hear from about this. After all, I did manage to drag trust through the dirt myself. Don't shake your head at me, no ones perfect. But, I also know that trust can be earned and I know what its like to lose trust myself. A relationship without trust is like a dark, damp, lonely, miserable cave. You're sitting there begging for warmth and theres no one there to give it to you. It makes you feel helpless, like theres nothing you can do to get out of it and into the sun. Its a constant battle and its important to remember that a peace treaty is much less bloody than an all out war.
Now, if you're the one who managed to screw up beyond belief and lost the trust of your partner, congratulations, you're screwed. No, I'm just kidding! Alas, there is hope....unless this is like you're third time in which case I think you should talk to a professional. The first thing you'll need to do is be completely honest, let it all out no matter how much its going to hurt him/her. The last thing you want is to be happy later down the line then let something slip that you forgot to mention because I promise you any trust you'd gained back would be down the drain and gaining trust after that is like trying to find the Holy Grail. I also think that you should ask yourself why you did what you did and if you even value the relationship enough to work on it or if you're going to undoubtedly hurt your partner again in which case you should end it, there is no reason to be even more selfish. After coming clean, assuming your partner hasn't thrown your belongings outside at this point, you need to sincerely want to change and offer to change. Apologize, try to understand how much pain you just put them through for your own selfish pleasure. You are in the wrong, no matter how much you felt like he/she pushed you to it, this is your fault. That is probably the hardest thing to accept because its so easy to justify our own actions in our heads but the truth is that no one put a gun to your head, you made a bad choice. Learn from it and move on, hopefully bettering yourself. If and when things finally calm down the most important step of all is to work towards strengthening your relationship by not repeating past mistakes and keeping and understanding heart. You won't gain your partners trust back in a day, it takes time, put yourself in their shoes. My own personal step was to be completely honest, no lies and no hiding anything, it took a while to adjust to but it has honestly helped not only my relationship but me as a person altogether. Not to say that you being a changed person is going to 100% solve the problem because unfortunately there is always the fact that you lied hovering above your head. You get used to it...but yet again, you brought it upon yourself. Maybe over mass amounts of time it may diminishs, I'll let you know if I find an accurate Time/Grudge formula.
Now that I've pretty much written a "What to say after cheating" for dummies, I suppose I should cover the actual issue at hand, "How to deal with your cheater" for dummies. For the record, by cheating I mean any misleading altercation causing incident...just so we're clear.
There are, in my non-professional, opinion different degrees of being misleading. I believe the worst of these lets just say on a scale of 1-10 is infidelity and its a 12. The least severe would be catching your man in wearing your underwear, which we'll give him a 2 for. It is vital to respond appropriately to the number on the scale. So, if he's sleeping with your sister conciously and repetitively (12) then throw his shit outside and burn his most precious belonging. However, if he was exceptionally intoxicated and it was a one time thing (9) then really think about the situation, people make mistakes and if it obvious he's more traumatized than you then cut him some slack and really assess things and if you have it in your heart then give him ONE more try, if it happens again then follow advice for a (12). Never EVER let someone lie to you and hurt you over and over again, some people don't change and as much as I know that may hurt, any pain you have to endure is your own because nobody has to stay in a bad relationship. Now that we have a numbers system worked out, think about your issue, if he's not physically or emotionally cheating on you, then you need to chill out. Assuming your partner wants to be intimate with someone else without any due cause is...lets just say, a bit crazy. And if you're a woman..well its a bit natural crazy but doesn't mean you should let it ruin your relationship because if thats the case its you who has the problem and not him. If he's not out there actually talking to women or being physical then on my scale your situation is a (1). Being crazy paranoid isn't good for anyone, you need to calm down unless given a reason to get upset. What kind of relationship is full of worry all the time? A pretty miserable one, thats how you get in the cave scenario. If he doesn't give you a reason to be upset then don't let your own paranoid thoughts get to you, you'd be wasting so much valuable time. Time you could be using to grow together you would instead be using to push each other apart. Now I know more than anyone how much it hurts to have someone assume you're always doing something wrong when you are in fact doing nothing wrong. Think about that, you could be ruining any hope of having a stable relationship for absolutely no reason. Trust is something you have to do blindly, you'll either become so accustomed to it the negative thoughts dissolve and you're blissfully complete or you'll worry yourself sick and be miserable for what could be no reason. If you're worried about something then approach your partner, if they deny it then take that answer and if you find out later they were lying then obviously thats someone you don't need to lend your trust to...you can also throw their things outside for good measure, YAY!
Every relationship is different, what may be right for one couple could be a death sentence for another. Take a step back and look at yours and with a level head then decide if you want to stay paranoid and worried, if you want to just end it or if you want to work at it. No one knows whats right for you but you. Just keep in mind that you should also examine yourself, examine the number and severity of the action, examine your partner along with their past and examine your relationship as a whole. Trust is such a simple thing that we tend to make so complicated, don't hold a grudge thats unecessary its just wasting precious time that you could have used to be happy. Letting go and moving on is honestly the most healthy thing to do (when applicable) its a fresh start, another chance for elation.
Until next time, Kayla.
No comments:
Post a Comment