If you Lust, My Darling.

If there was ever a feeling I wish I could put into words it would be the feeling of attraction and the raw power of lust. If it was an emotion, it would be love. They just have such a strong thick consistancy, it fills your whole body. I can imagine everyone feels it at some point in life, some of us with just one person and some others feel it more than once...its what the good old romances are made of.

Its walking up to a doorway with a man a few steps behind you, he's reaching playfully for your hand and you laugh nervously. You progress up the walkway and suddenly you can feel every nerve in your body firing off like fireworks on the Fourth of July. As you approach the door your breathing becomes shallow as you can feel his presence draw closer and the heat of his body is all but right against your back.

This is the moment I wish I could condense into a fragrance and place in a bottle. It would sit it upon a shelf awaiting a quiet moment when I could pull out the cork and just inhale. It would take me back, I would be able to feel the moment just as it was. For a brief second, I would be full of flawless lust. Sex is of course human nature, but lust, lust is something much more complex.

You're standing there face to face just inches apart. The magnetism of the moment is drawing you closer together, you can feel it in your chest. The urge to leap is strong and its running wild throughout your whole body; it's in your blood. Yet, somehow as if defying everything you are feeling your body is frozen, unsure of the perfect next move. Every move he makes draws you further in, his lips are just within your reach and your arms are aching to be around him. One of you is bound to give into the pull. His hand rests upon the side of your face, his palm gently brushing your jawline. The attraction is embraced and the polar opposites collide. Bodies pull close in a rush of adrenaline, its what you were waiting for. Lust.


Lying on the couch, your feet are draped over his lap; he rubs them thoughtlessly, its more of a reflex now. Everything is calm and content. Your mind wonders away from where you are, back to a time much like this one where he said something sweet and the same little shocks you felt in your chest then are now errupting in a manner that is equally as intoxicating in the here and now. You draw your feet back to you and lean up and kiss him. His eyes are as kind as they've always been and everything inside of you makes you want to melt right into his skin. There is nothing that could make you close enough. The desire you have for him comes from deep inside, its untraceable and unexplainable. It comes naturally and effortlessly. Your heart is full and you feel as though it may leap out of your chest and up through your throat. Its as if every wrong in the world was just made right simply by your skin touching his. All that you want and need can be found here, within him. Love.

Anyone can lust, its a raw and primal thing. Unmistakably one of the most strong feelings a human can experience and quite possibly my favorite. However, loving goes a lot deeper. The attraction it brings comes from a different part of you, a part that is attracted in so many ways and runs deeper than you or I could imagine. When caught in a moment lust can feel a lot like love, hell it can feel a lot like whatever your brain wants to justify it as just as long as the guy on the other end is unbottoning those just-right jeans of his. However, I do find it important to know the difference and stay concious of each unique situation. Of course you can lust over someone you love, too. But, there is a real difference in situation that harbors strictly physical chemistry and one that goes beyond just the sheets.

Just to See You Smile.

I can almost taste it on the wind,

I can still feel you on my skin.

I still remember your warmth,

How it felt to melt in your arms.

I can hear your breathless words in my ear,

I remember your fingers in my hair.

Gently tracing bare skin,

How I'd kill to see that smile again.

Hope Dangles on a String....

So yesterday I was asked if I would blog about trust and marriage and the more I thought about it the more I realized that that wasn't even scratching the surface. Its not the actual marriage that demands trust, its the relationship. A marriage is a commitment you make to show that you've chosen to spend an extended (generally intended to be infinite amount of time but rarely is) with the same person, that has little to do with trust, its more of a step. You need trust to keep the relationship stable. With that said, I find it more appropriate to discuss trust and the actual relationship between a couple.
To be completely honest with you, I might as well be the last person most people want to hear from about this. After all, I did manage to drag trust through the dirt myself. Don't shake your head at me, no ones perfect. But, I also know that trust can be earned and I know what its like to lose trust myself. A relationship without trust is like a dark, damp, lonely, miserable cave. You're sitting there begging for warmth and theres no one there to give it to you. It makes you feel helpless, like theres nothing you can do to get out of it and into the sun. Its a constant battle and its important to remember that a peace treaty is much less bloody than an all out war.

Now, if you're the one who managed to screw up beyond belief and lost the trust of your partner, congratulations, you're screwed. No, I'm just kidding! Alas, there is hope....unless this is like you're third time in which case I think you should talk to a professional. The first thing you'll need to do is be completely honest, let it all out no matter how much its going to hurt him/her. The last thing you want is to be happy later down the line then let something slip that you forgot to mention because I promise you any trust you'd gained back would be down the drain and gaining trust after that is like trying to find the Holy Grail. I also think that you should ask yourself why you did what you did and if you even value the relationship enough to work on it or if you're going to undoubtedly hurt your partner again in which case you should end it, there is no reason to be even more selfish. After coming clean, assuming your partner hasn't thrown your belongings outside at this point, you need to sincerely want to change and offer to change. Apologize, try to understand how much pain you just put them through for your own selfish pleasure. You are in the wrong, no matter how much you felt like he/she pushed you to it, this is your fault. That is probably the hardest thing to accept because its so easy to justify our own actions in our heads but the truth is that no one put a gun to your head, you made a bad choice. Learn from it and move on, hopefully bettering yourself. If and when things finally calm down the most important step of all is to work towards strengthening your relationship by not repeating past mistakes and keeping and understanding heart. You won't gain your partners trust back in a day, it takes time, put yourself in their shoes. My own personal step was to be completely honest, no lies and no hiding anything, it took a while to adjust to but it has honestly helped not only my relationship but me as a person altogether. Not to say that you being a changed person is going to 100% solve the problem because unfortunately there is always the fact that you lied hovering above your head. You get used to it...but yet again, you brought it upon yourself. Maybe over mass amounts of time it may diminishs, I'll let you know if I find an accurate Time/Grudge formula.

Now that I've pretty much written a "What to say after cheating" for dummies, I suppose I should cover the actual issue at hand, "How to deal with your cheater" for dummies. For the record, by cheating I mean any misleading altercation causing incident...just so we're clear.

There are, in my non-professional, opinion different degrees of being misleading. I believe the worst of these lets just say on a scale of 1-10 is infidelity and its a 12. The least severe would be catching your man in wearing your underwear, which we'll give him a 2 for. It is vital to respond appropriately to the number on the scale. So, if he's sleeping with your sister conciously and repetitively (12) then throw his shit outside and burn his most precious belonging.  However, if he was exceptionally intoxicated and it was a one time thing (9) then really think about the situation, people make mistakes and if it obvious he's more traumatized than you then cut him some slack and really assess things and if you have it in your heart then give him ONE more try, if it happens again then follow advice for a (12).  Never EVER let someone lie to you and hurt you over and over again, some people don't change and as much as I know that may hurt, any pain you have to endure is your own because nobody has to stay in a bad relationship. Now that we have a numbers system worked out, think about your issue, if he's not physically or emotionally cheating on you, then you need to chill out. Assuming your partner wants to be intimate with someone else without any due cause is...lets just say, a bit crazy. And if you're a woman..well its a bit natural crazy but doesn't mean you should let it ruin your relationship because if thats the case its you who has the problem and not him. If he's not out there actually talking to women or being physical then on my scale your situation is a (1). Being crazy paranoid isn't good for anyone, you need to calm down unless given a reason to get upset. What kind of relationship is full of worry all the time? A pretty miserable one, thats how you get in the cave scenario. If he doesn't give you a reason to be upset then don't let your own paranoid thoughts get to you, you'd be wasting so much valuable time. Time you could be using to grow together you would instead be using to push each other apart. Now I know more than anyone how much it hurts to have someone assume you're always doing something wrong when you are in fact doing nothing wrong. Think about that, you could be ruining any hope of having a stable relationship for absolutely no reason. Trust is something you have to do blindly, you'll either become so accustomed to it the negative thoughts dissolve and you're blissfully complete or you'll worry yourself sick and be miserable for what could be no reason. If you're worried about something then approach your partner, if they deny it then take that answer and if you find out later they were lying then obviously thats someone you don't need to lend your trust to...you can also throw their things outside for good measure, YAY!

Every relationship is different, what may be right for one couple could be a death sentence for another. Take a step back and look at yours and with a level head then decide if you want to stay paranoid and worried, if you want to just end it or if you want to work at it. No one knows whats right for you but you. Just keep in mind that you should also examine yourself, examine the number and severity of the action, examine your partner along with their past and examine your relationship as a whole. Trust is such a simple thing that we tend to make so complicated, don't hold a grudge thats unecessary its just wasting precious time that you could have used to be happy. Letting go and moving on is honestly the most healthy thing to do (when applicable) its a fresh start, another chance for elation.

Until next time, Kayla.

On Men, Mistakes and Moving On.

It’s just like in the movies, he calls you at irrelevant times to tell you he misses you, he sends you flowers just to make you smile, he makes you feel like you’re the only girl in the world. But how long does that last? A few weeks? A few months? Hell, merely a few days? The truth is men are not hardwired like the Casanovas on the big screen, sure they may catch some pointers from “City of Angels” but the truth is you are not dating Nicolas Cage…although I’ve had some fantasies. In my measly 20 years I’ve seen it all and experienced most of it. I will be the first to tell you how wonderful love can be, that feeling of butterflies and walking on air; giggling like a school girl because he’s simply smiling at you. I can also relate to what it feels like to have your heart ripped out of your chest and drug through the mud prior to it being stomped on like a glass at a Jewish wedding. The bipolar relationship of love and it ending. The truth is everyone is going to have their heart broken at least once or twice in their lives you just have to come to terms with that. Now I’ve dated every guy in the book, the bad boy, whom proceeded to sleep with every ex girlfriend he had. The hopeless romantic who’s only goal in life was to get me out of my panties and into his bed. The passionate musician in which I had a seemingly perfect relationship with. The clever guy whom I became so intellectually attached to it almost destroyed my whole world and finally the guy who “wasn’t like other guys” who turned out to be just as disappointing as the rest. In my mind I wanted it all, the flowers the jewelry the sweet texts and phone calls. Surprise dates that were straight out of Hollywood and most of my serious relationships started out story book…and then the books ran out of text about the tenth page. The problem with men is that without a script they’re lost, hopeless little actors waiting for their next big break and I for one am far too tired of playing director. So are you thinking, “my man is perfect this girl obviously just has bad luck or hasn’t really been in love, he’s so perfect, my forever!”. Oh yes sister, I know you. I’ve been you. The truth is it just hasn’t happened to you yet, you’re still in the “honeymoon phase” the sex is great and effortless, he still feels like he needs to impress you and you still wear make up to bed because you don’t want him to see what you look like when you first wake up and could be mistaken for a homeless person. Not that girl? Maybe you’re the girl looking at other peoples relationships wondering how they’re so perfect, the truth is they’re not, everyone has secrets and behind every perfect relationship is two people who do, have or will resent each other at one point in time. If you’re the girl who is love hungry and out for any scrap of attention a male counterpart will lend you, I’ll refer to you as the “Why me?” girl, the problem is you’re in fact looking for this unrealistic idea of a man. We’ve all been the “Why me?” girl at one point or another and then you realize that you cannot force human attraction and maybe if you stop obsessing with “love” it will indeed find you and generally does. So I’m being a Debbie Downer, right? Well, I’m bringing all of this to your attention for one soul reason: to remind you that no one is perfect. No relationship sails smoothly and effortlessly through time without a bump in the road. No man will be able to make you happy every minute of every day for eternity. Sometimes I think life would be much better off without the complications of love and the inevitable pain it at times causes but let’s face it, sex by yourself is only fun for so long. When we come to terms with the fact that we’re not Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling is not going to build us a house and rip off our soaking wet clothes before telling us it still isn’t over life and love will make a little more sense. Love is about finding someone who completes you, even If he makes you completely mad sometimes. He will never be completely perfect but you won’t either. Loving only one person you’re entire life is unrealistic, no matter how dedicated you think you are the sad truth Is he may not be the only guy who makes your toes curl in this lifetime. But that’s okay, that’s normal. You just have to put human nature to the side, put love before yourself and be bigger than being human because that’s what love really is. There are however, limits to love. Not every man is worthy of your affection, you should never ever feel as if you are in a one way relationship. Okay okay, every now and then you’re going to feel that way but it should not be constant. A relationship is a job, it requires work but love should be effortless and a relationship should always fall back on the fact it is joined together by the emotion. Being in control of your emotions is gold, step back and examine your relationship, examine your partner. Do you think you’re being treated fairly? How you deserve? If not then address the problem, ask him to fix it and you too try your best to salvage it if you feel it worthy. Also examine yourself, is the man really the only problem or are you being overbearing and well…a woman? The golden rule is treat others how you’d like to be treated. Life is far too short to be unhappy and as a woman you have the power over who you choose to be with, use that power and demand happiness and all though a break up may feel like the end of the world it is in fact just the beginning of a new journey; another chance at love. You cannot and will not win them all, just dust off your cardiac muscle and wait patiently till you experience the next sparks with a man who we are going to assume is far more attractive than the last and has a fantastic job. It’s okay to dream big as long as you keep your heart open and understand no matter what type of guy your Cosmo quiz tells you that you belong with your heart will fall for whomever it chooses, even if he isn’t out of J.Crew like you planned.

Remember, you are woman, hear you roar.

Kayla.